Get back in the office so my dick feels big again, says boss

A BOSS has ordered his employees back to the office because exercising power remotely does not give him that big-dick feeling it does in person. 

Martin Bishop told staff that belittling them in Zoom meetings was no longer enough, and for him to really feel like he was swinging a truncheon between his legs he needed them back in work and flinching when he walked past. 

Bishop said: “Ever since March, my perception of my own power – ie. how big it feels my dick is – has been slipping away. 

“With every meeting with my minions secure in their homes, torturing me with the proof they have a life outside work, it’s felt smaller and smaller. By now it almost feels its actual size. 

“So everyone’s back in. I’ve sent a group email where I’ve cut-and-pasted government advice about social distancing and washing hands, so if you get Covid it’s your problem. 

“Just being that cavalier about my staff’s lives has already made me feel like I’m packing meat. Actually seeing them cowering at their desks again will be like having a conger eel in my pants.” 

Junior account manager Nathan Muir said: “To be fair, it’s a better reason than propping up Pret.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Think of back-to-school as a big science experiment, government tells parents

THE government has told worried parents to think of their children returning to a possibly deadly school environment as an exciting science project.

Ministers believe that putting children and teachers in buildings full of Covid-19 where it is impossible to socially distance properly is a great opportunity to learn about viruses.

Education secretary Gavin Williamson said: “Maybe they’ll all be fine. Or maybe they’ll be dropping like flies within a fortnight. Who knows? That’s the joy of hands-on learning.

“This real-life biology experiment is so much better than poring over dusty old textbooks. It will give millions of children a lifelong love of science if they’re still alive.

“We’ve not forgotten about teachers, who’ll be part of this thrilling exercise too. Even the most jaded old science teacher will be able to make learning come to life with their new dry cough and suddenly being taken away in an ambulance.”

Adult members of the public will also be able to join in the experiment, by finding out what happens when millions of people crowd back onto public transport and into poorly ventilated offices. 

Williamson added: “I’d love to take part and work in a crowded office myself but unfortunately I’m considered too important so I’m working from home. Just my rotten luck.”