Saturday, 24th October 2020

Get back in the office so my dick feels big again, says boss

A BOSS has ordered his employees back to the office because exercising power remotely does not give him that big-dick feeling it does in person. 

Martin Bishop told staff that belittling them in Zoom meetings was no longer enough, and for him to really feel like he was swinging a truncheon between his legs he needed them back in work and flinching when he walked past. 

Bishop said: “Ever since March, my perception of my own power – ie. how big it feels my dick is – has been slipping away. 

“With every meeting with my minions secure in their homes, torturing me with the proof they have a life outside work, it’s felt smaller and smaller. By now it almost feels its actual size. 

“So everyone’s back in. I’ve sent a group email where I’ve cut-and-pasted government advice about social distancing and washing hands, so if you get Covid it’s your problem. 

“Just being that cavalier about my staff’s lives has already made me feel like I’m packing meat. Actually seeing them cowering at their desks again will be like having a conger eel in my pants.” 

Junior account manager Nathan Muir said: “To be fair, it’s a better reason than propping up Pret.”