Wednesday, 30th September 2020

The middle class guide to sex caves

FORGET about the loft conversion – sex caves are the new must-have middle-class interior space. Here’s how to make sure yours is better than everyone else’s:

● Did your vast ground floor extension leave you with an extra room? Billy bookshelves and Ikea bean bags are so 2019, so instead furnish it with wall shackles and a cat o’nine tails. Perfect for kinky gratification – and handily close to the open plan kitchen for olives and breadsticks afterwards.

● Make sure you have superior fittings and fixtures to reference nonchalantly during sex sessions. Practise casually saying “Oh, this gimp mask? I saw it in Homes & Gardens magazine” or “The spanking paddle is Stella McCartney – it’s vegan-friendly plastic, you know”.

● Get expert interiors inspiration on Pinterest. There’s nothing more distracting from a hardcore bondage session than looking at walls painted Hague Blue when you should have used Farrow and Ball ‘Railings’. Or simply type the words ‘sex cave’ into Google for reams of delightful visual inspiration. Maybe don’t do it on your work laptop.

● If you want more space, put your sex cave in a ‘garden room’ outside. Hey presto – a versatile new outbuilding ideal for working, storage or inserting butt plugs while dressed as a Nazi. Alternatively go down the London billionaire route and excavate the basement. Swimming pools and cinemas are so last year, so kit it out for weird ‘furry’ sex orgies.

● Don’t forget that every middle-class dungeon needs safe words. Why not write them up on the delightful rustic slate chalkboard that you had in the old kitchen?