The middle class guide to sex caves

FORGET about the loft conversion – sex caves are the new must-have middle-class interior space. Here’s how to make sure yours is better than everyone else’s:

● Did your vast ground floor extension leave you with an extra room? Billy bookshelves and Ikea bean bags are so 2019, so instead furnish it with wall shackles and a cat o’nine tails. Perfect for kinky gratification – and handily close to the open plan kitchen for olives and breadsticks afterwards.

● Make sure you have superior fittings and fixtures to reference nonchalantly during sex sessions. Practise casually saying “Oh, this gimp mask? I saw it in Homes & Gardens magazine” or “The spanking paddle is Stella McCartney – it’s vegan-friendly plastic, you know”.

● Get expert interiors inspiration on Pinterest. There’s nothing more distracting from a hardcore bondage session than looking at walls painted Hague Blue when you should have used Farrow and Ball ‘Railings’. Or simply type the words ‘sex cave’ into Google for reams of delightful visual inspiration. Maybe don’t do it on your work laptop.

● If you want more space, put your sex cave in a ‘garden room’ outside. Hey presto – a versatile new outbuilding ideal for working, storage or inserting butt plugs while dressed as a Nazi. Alternatively go down the London billionaire route and excavate the basement. Swimming pools and cinemas are so last year, so kit it out for weird ‘furry’ sex orgies.

● Don’t forget that every middle-class dungeon needs safe words. Why not write them up on the delightful rustic slate chalkboard that you had in the old kitchen?

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Gammon unsure whether he's outraged or aroused by same-sex couple on Strictly

A MAN who has learned that Strictly Come Dancing will feature two women dancing together is unsure whether to be appalled or turned on.

Roy Hobbs gets furiously angry with anything he considers to be pandering to woke liberals, but this time his rage is in conflict with stirrings in his crotch area.

Hobbs said: “It’s disgusting. The Marxist BBC is corrupting our children by forcing them to watch two women dancing together. It’s lesbian propaganda masquerading as bland light entertainment. 

“I’m so furious I’ve developed a strange tingling in my groin. Normally when I’m angry I go puce in the face and start having palpitations, but this is somehow different.

“I will definitely be watching every episode, but only so I can witness the ruination of our once-proud country first-hand. 

“Yes, I will have a cushion on my lap. But only because the cat needs somewhere comfortable to sit.”

Hobbs added: “My wife said it’ll probably be two men next. I’ll have to stop watching then in case it turns me gay and I start talking like Julian Clary.”