Storm over London may be connected to doom-laden event

THE lightning which cracked the skies over London last night may have been caused by an event which heralds a new dominion of evil.

The capital was ravaged by a fierce electrical storm, prompting experts to suggest the universe was warning mankind that a malevolent entity had emerged into the world.

Independent researcher Keith Jennings said: “Something happened in London yesterday. I can’t say for certain what it is, but I have a strong sense that evil is now among us.

“We do not yet know what form it will take or what its name will be. But I suspect it will rise to become the head of some massively rich and influential organisation.”

He added: “I shall keep looking for clues.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Birth of royal baby pushes human population beyond sustainability

THE royal birth represents the population ‘tipping point’ beyond which the planet cannot sustain human life.

The arrival of the yet-to-be-named heir to the throne brought the Earth’s human population to 7,167,080,004.

However scientists are convinced the planet can only support 7,167,080,003 people.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “By pure coincidence, the birth of the royal baby represents the precise point at which the planet enters irreversible environmental meltdown.

“The Earth is now in a  ‘death spiral’.

“Quite simply, there is no longer enough food and water. Meanwhile, human activities will continue to clog the oceans with poison and stifle the air with deadly fumes.

“Sadly, human technology is not sufficiently advanced for us to send colonists off in spaceships to search for new home worlds. Within 50 years, humanity will be over.

“And it is the royal baby has taken us beyond the brink.”

He added: “Still, it’s made a lot of pensioners and Americans very happy.”