Sunderland to become futuristic metropolis

SUNDERLAND will become a gleaming, futuristic utopia because Britain is leaving the EU.

As a reward for voting ‘leave’ the city will also be the first in the country to get hover-boards.

Brexit supporters said the hover-boards would be easy to pay for ‘because’.

Sunderland resident, Martin Bishop, said: “Now that we’re liberated from the Nazis and have a genuine working class hero like Boris Johnson, this place will be like The Jetsons in no time.”

Elsewhere in the North East, Middlesbrough will receive two new hospitals a week paid for by the £4.2 billion a year that Britain will definitely save and was not a massive lie.

Meanwhile, EU-supporting Newcastle will be bulldozed as a warning to all traitors.

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Britain’s short-term transition plan involves alcohol

THE UK has announced that its immediate plan for cushioning the economic and social shockwaves of Brexit involves gin, wine and lager. 

Both Leave and Remain voters are to carefully manage the transition from membership of an economic bloc to a fully independent state by adding liquidity to their glasses until the necessary resilience is achieved.

Dr Helen Archer said: “The use of alcohol, of which the UK has extensive reserves, to keep things flowing is recommended by all the leading economists who staked their reputations on Brexit not happening.

“By self-regulating the body’s blood-alcohol level, which begins at a baseline which is way too low for anything except driving, voters of both persuasion can reach a level of self-sustaining stability.

“Which is to say, they don’t give a fuck about any of it any more.

“This will be hugely successful in the short-term, increasingly relied upon in the medium-term and just about the only strategy available in the long-term, especially if the Boris or the Gove becomes prime minister.

“I would normally advise you against drinking yourselves to death, but warnings not to do reckless acts of self-endangerment have gone unheeded of late.”