The Mash Guide to the Final Journey

1) Baroness Thatcher’s coffin leaves Westminster and is taken up Whitehall to Downing Street where it will be removed from the hearse and dropped on Geoffrey Howe. A soldier, sailor and RAF pilot will then kick the former foreign secretary in the stomach for a full minute.

2) The coffin is then taken to the former BBC headquarters at Bush House where it will be used to smash open the doors before the union flag is removed temporarily and stuffed into Evan Davis’s smart-alec mouth.

3) At Bush House the coffin will be placed on a gun carriage used in the miners’ strike and flanked by serving members from 14 of Britain’s biggest hedge funds.

4) The coffin continues along the Strand where it will stop for 90 seconds so that some hippies and communists can tell it to fuck off.

5) In Fleet Street, a representative of the Murdoch family will place on top of the coffin a single white rose and a large gold brick.

6) At Ludgate Hill the coffin will then stop for another 90 seconds where a platoon of middle-aged women from Guildford will stand guard around it while chanting ‘she was too good for the lot of you’.

7) The procession then continues to St Paul’s Cathedral where it will be officially upstaged by the Queen and Geri Halliwell.

8) The coffin will then be carried into the cathedral by members of the cast and crew of Top Gear.

9) The funeral service will be conducted by some Christians through gritted teeth. Readings include St Paul’s Letter to the Saudi Arabians Urging Them to Buy a Shitload of Tornado Fighter-Bombers.

The body will then be removed from the coffin, placed in a large perspex tube and taken to a secret underground laboratory in Liechtenstein.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re sure this pain-relieving gel should have started working by now. Maybe try it on another slice of toast.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After reading an email asking whether you want to be on the new Nick Grimshaw show you decide that you’d rather be on a life-support machine.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Focus on your core objectives and break down the tasks into manageable pieces before going out and getting fucked on Stella.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Many people see Tom Jones as a ludicrous, elderly figure, but remember there was a time when he was a ludicrous, middle-aged figure.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re horrified to discover The Hobbit was totally ripped off from Willow.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your insomnia is becoming so bad these days that you seldom manage to get your three hour afternoon kip on the sofa.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your joy at seeing your house on Google street view is short-lived when you realise that yours is not the hairy male arse visible in the bedroom window.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I don’t think carpal tunnel syndrome from 12-hour Fifa sessions on the Xbox does count as a ‘sports injury’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
It’s probably a bad sign when your doctor asks how many units of alcohol you drink per week and you decline to answer without a lawyer.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week your name will be trending on Twitter. The bad news is it will be part of the phrase ‘throwawaythekey’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your sign reeks of Libra this week, despite them saying they’ve been nowhere near it.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
10011010 11100101 11111001? 10001010 01010111 10000111, 00110101 011110010 01011101 11010110!