'The slaves were happy to pitch in': The anti-woke guide to history for the National Trust

A GROUP called Restore Trust is trying to stop the National Trust presenting a negative, ie. true, view of Britain’s past. Here’s how they would interpret history.

The slaves were happy to pitch in

Far from being forced into slavery so that British people could make money to spend on fancy country houses, Africans were happy to pitch in and help for nothing. This isn’t an offensive idea, it just shows how kind black people are. Also, Brits were key figures in the abolition movement, so we helped solve a problem we enthusiastically created. Think how much money obscenely rich slave traders lost! (Apart from the compensation.) Heroes, every one.

The simple foreigners loved having our help

A lot of National Trust properties and collections have direct links to the East India Company, which some people say was brutal, destructive and corrupt. But the truth is the simple Indian folk couldn’t manage by themselves and enjoyed having our patrician guidance. They didn’t miss the $45 trillion we looted over the years. They saw it as fair payment for our help, no different to paying a plumber for a job well done. They’ve got trains thanks to us, and we only shot some of them.

The gays never did anything of historical significance

You don’t hear much about the gays achieving anything in the past, do you? And that’s not because they were oppressed, persecuted and airbrushed out of history, it’s because they were too busy being degenerates. So let’s stop trying to include them, okay? Nobody wants Blenheim Palace turning into a sordid ‘cruising’ area for gay men. No one’s suggested that might happen, but it’s worth mentioning.

Winston Churchill was a saint, full stop

The woke mob likes to undermine Winston Churchill’s heroic legacy by claiming his policies significantly contributed to the Bengal famine which killed three million people. However, the National Trust is not a place for nuance or context, thank you very much, so the only interpretation of his life is as an uncomplicated saint who single-handedly won WW2. And anyone who suggests otherwise is a traitor. 

Let’s just look at the nice stuff, yeah?

Why would anyone want to question where the money came from to build a marble hall or botanic garden? We should just enjoy the lovely Britishness and not dig too deep into its origins. Just like we don’t want anyone to know that Restore Trust is funded by a right-wing Tufton Street lobby group. Just forget about it and concentrate on the nice stuff, please. 

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Six bad child actors and the films and shows they ruined

IT’S not the kids’ fault, but nothing breaks your immersion in a film more than a bad child actor speaking with inflections no human has ever used before. Like these adorable pests.

Jake Lloyd: Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace

We should really cut this guy some slack. He’s had a rough ride, and he tried his best. That said, it’s a relief that practically half the film consists of that absurdly long pod race where you don’t hear him deliver any lines. Particularly ‘I’ll try spinning – that’s a good trick’. Casting Hayden Christensen as the older and equally wooden version of Anakin was brilliantly consistent though. Well done, George.

Macaulay Culkin: Home Alone

This is controversial. Some people love li’l Macaulay in this movie, including the jury of the 1990 Golden Globes. Or maybe they were just afraid he’d cave their skull in with a can of paint. Or, in the case of Home Alone 2, introduce them to co-star Donald Trump. Actually by now getting your brains splattered with three litres of Dulux is preferable to seeing that GIF of him screaming at a tarantula one more time.

Sofia Coppola: The Godfather

Before Sofia Coppola sadly ruined The Godfather Part III, she appeared in the trilogy’s first instalment as the baby being baptised while Al Pacino renounced the Devil and orchestrated some gnarly murders. Her performance as an infant is fine (she delivers the line ‘googoogaga’ with aplomb) but her presence is a grim reminder of the nepotistic travesty that would occur 17 years later. 

Cole Sprouse: Friends

Ross’ son Ben didn’t ruin Friends. That honour goes to the horrible Joey and Rachel romance that still feels somehow incestuous. Nonetheless, every time Cole Sprouse’s squeaky voice and smug face appear on screen it’s hard not to reach for the fast-forward button so fast you get a hernia.

Jonathan Lipnicki: Jerry Maguire

A small caveat: the little kid in Jerry Maguire isn’t necessarily a bad actor. But he’s not acting so much as saying words while being adorable. The rest of the film is ruined because you’re just waiting for the return of his ginormous head and adorable lisp. ‘Did you know the human head weighths eight poundths?’ We do now. Piss off.

Everyone: the Harry Potter films

From Daniel Radcliffe’s ‘I can’t be a- a- a- wizard’ to Rupert Grint’s gurning face, plus the dozens of other dubious child performances, the first few films make for difficult viewing. But it gets worse when puberty hits, and the cast’s adorably squidgy cheeks no longer make up for the fact that they’re incapable of speaking with anything resembling a recognisable human cadence.