There are only Southern men and Southern women, says Sunak

RISHI Sunak has asserted that despite ‘woke’ claims, there are just two genders – Southern men and Southern women.

At the Tory conference, the prime minister said that although there had been talk of transgender and trans-Pennine people, neither in reality existed and therefore should not be catered for in any way.

To huge cheers, Sunak said: “A Southern man is a Southern man and a Southern woman is a Southern woman. We will not be bullied into accepting these ridiculous ideas of gender and regional identity.

“I cancelled the last leg of HS2 because no one should be forced into transitioning from South to North. Birmingham is as far as anyone need go, and people should receive counselling to make sure they want to go through with it.

“I know of young people who have changed gender, as well as those who have moved from London to Leeds, both of whom have come to regret their decisions forced on them by woke bullies.”

Sunak pledged to save billions by cancelling HS2 and gender reassignment surgery, with some of the money being spent on a tram or something in Leek and the rest on penis enlargement surgery for men traumatised by trans terrorism.

Sunak said: “That’s good news for Southern men – and great news for Southern women. Not that I’ll be needing it. Akshata says I’m too geeky to have sex with.”

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I have been arrested and fired. Next, I hope to be killed, by Laurence Fox

THEY have come for me at last. The stormtroopers of wokery in my home and firing me from my job. Surely it is only weeks before they give me the death I crave.

For since I began my ludicrous crusade for values I do not even pretend I understand – what is it this week, pro-car and pro-misogyny? – I have known my path led to the tomb.

The Woke would allow no other outcome. Was it coincidence that just two months after my truth-telling appearance on Question Time, Britain went into lockdown?

They shut down the world to silence me, but yet I spoke. I opposed lockdown, I opposed the vaccine, I opposed Black Lives Matter, I opposed Pride, I opposed anything they were for because therein lies true integrity.

And so yesterday they struck. GB News fired me and my flat was ransacked on the pretext of my being leader of the Blade Runners, those selfless warriors against ULEZ, appearing only on their wrist-screens wearing a metal mask. They found the mask.

I will be arrested, charged and, after a court hearing with a blue-haired non-binary capital-B Black judge, sentenced to crucifixion. They shall take me up the hill where the Metric Martyr’s stone still stands.

Proving me right once and for all, they will kill me. But my legend shall spread, and the old will rise up against the young, and the forces of wokery shall be defeated forever.

Make the monument you build to my passing large. Mention Lewis on it.