LIKE Judas, GB News has betrayed me, but that won’t stop me spreading the word of Jesus, who was surprisingly pro-Brexit and anti-woke. Here’s how to properly understand his teachings.
‘Love your neighbour as yourself’
Jesus is clearly using ‘neighbour’ in the modern sense meaning ‘married bloke next door with two kids and an Audi’. He doesn’t mention asylum seekers, so it’s safe to assume he wants them deported because they don’t share traditional Nazarethian values.
‘You shall not commit adultery’
Obviously there’s some leeway here for a noble Brexiter like Boris Johnson, who only commits normal heterosexual adultery. Sex-wise it’s only really male gays Jesus has a problem with – not the sexy lady gays – because of their sickening, unnatural acts in public toilets. No offence to my former colleague, the Sodomite Dan Wootton, by the way.
The Temptation of Christ
This Bible story is even more relevant after Brexit. Jesus (Britain) is tempted by the Devil (the EU) in the desert (the single market) but in the end Jesus wins the spiritual battle (the 2016 referendum). I’ve always felt Jesus was a Brexiter, because his whole existence is based on blind faith rather than evidence.
The Feeding of the 5,000
Using just two loaves and five fishes, Jesus fed all those people – and without tiny portions or making soup! The message is clear – vegans will go to Hell. Their faddish woke diets will result in an eternity of being buggered with red-hot carrots, courgettes and cucumbers. It’s harsh, but they had plenty of chances to eat meat like normal people instead of being drug-addled eco-zealots.
‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick’
Laymen without my rigorous theological training assume this must be about sinners, but Jesus is actually calling for private healthcare as favoured by the current Tory government. It’s all there in the original Aramaic.
Mary Magdalene washing Jesus’ feet
Long story short: a sinful woman washed Jesus’ feet and he forgave her. The crucial thing here is that it was a woman, not a transgender woman. Jesus was all about the love, but he’d have run a mile if it was some bloody great hairy bloke with tits.
‘Give to everyone who begs from you’
A common mistranslation that should actually read: ‘Don’t give them a penny, they’re just lazy or on heroin and some of them make 65,000 gold pieces a year from begging.’ Jesus’ actual views on beggars were similar to those of my former colleague Lee AndersonMP , who feels the army should use them for bayonet practise.
I interpret this not only as the ultimate sacrifice by Jesus to wash away mankind’s sins, but also a lesson in how we can all bounce back when things have gone severely tits-up. I’m hoping Talk TV needs a bogus vicar who’s weirdly into Brexit, so could you sort that out with a quick miracle, Jesus? Cheers.