What Jesus really meant, by Calvin Robinson the GB News vicar

LIKE Judas, GB News has betrayed me, but that won’t stop me spreading the word of Jesus, who was surprisingly pro-Brexit and anti-woke. Here’s how to properly understand his teachings.

‘Love your neighbour as yourself’

Jesus is clearly using ‘neighbour’ in the modern sense meaning ‘married bloke next door with two kids and an Audi’. He doesn’t mention asylum seekers, so it’s safe to assume he wants them deported because they don’t share traditional Nazarethian values. 

‘You shall not commit adultery’

Obviously there’s some leeway here for a noble Brexiter like Boris Johnson, who only commits normal heterosexual adultery. Sex-wise it’s only really male gays Jesus has a problem with – not the sexy lady gays – because of their sickening, unnatural acts in public toilets. No offence to my former colleague, the Sodomite Dan Wootton, by the way.

The Temptation of Christ

This Bible story is even more relevant after Brexit. Jesus (Britain) is tempted by the Devil (the EU) in the desert (the single market) but in the end Jesus wins the spiritual battle (the 2016 referendum). I’ve always felt Jesus was a Brexiter, because his whole existence is based on blind faith rather than evidence. 

The Feeding of the 5,000

Using just two loaves and five fishes, Jesus fed all those people – and without tiny portions or making soup! The message is clear – vegans will go to Hell. Their faddish woke diets will result in an eternity of being buggered with red-hot carrots, courgettes and cucumbers. It’s harsh, but they had plenty of chances to eat meat like normal people instead of being drug-addled eco-zealots.

‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick’

Laymen without my rigorous theological training assume this must be about sinners, but Jesus is actually calling for private healthcare as favoured by the current Tory government. It’s all there in the original Aramaic.

Mary Magdalene washing Jesus’ feet

Long story short: a sinful woman washed Jesus’ feet and he forgave her. The crucial thing here is that it was a woman, not a transgender woman. Jesus was all about the love, but he’d have run a mile if it was some bloody great hairy bloke with tits.

‘Give to everyone who begs from you’

A common mistranslation that should actually read: ‘Don’t give them a penny, they’re just lazy or on heroin and some of them make 65,000 gold pieces a year from begging.’ Jesus’ actual views on beggars were similar to those of my former colleague Lee AndersonMP , who feels the army should use them for bayonet practise.

The Resurrection

I interpret this not only as the ultimate sacrifice by Jesus to wash away mankind’s sins, but also a lesson in how we can all bounce back when things have gone severely tits-up. I’m hoping Talk TV needs a bogus vicar who’s weirdly into Brexit, so could you sort that out with a quick miracle, Jesus? Cheers.

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'It's grim up North' confirmed as official government policy

AFTER scrapping HS2 and abandoning levelling up, the Conservatives have confirmed that ‘It’s grim up North’ is now official government policy.

Ministers say there is no hope for the area of the UK between Birmingham and Gretna Green, so they are simply going to acknowledge it is dreadful and leave it to its own devices.

A government spokesman said: “We’ve tried with the North. Sort of. We wittered some stuff about the ‘Northern Powerhouse’ and what have you, but no one could really be arsed with it because it’s outside the M25.

“So we’re scrapping everything and letting Northerners return to their lives of whippets, flat caps, pies, rain and soot. Actually that’s an unfair stereotype. These days they’re more into benefits scrounging, smoking spice and being so fat they need a mobility scooter aged 30.

“However they’re happy with their unbearably bleak existence as they’re simple folk and don’t really want complicated, modern things like high-speed rail links or multimillion pound investments forced on them.

“What will we spend the £36 billion we’ve saved on? Probably things we Conservatives feel are important, like private jets, wine fridges and focus groups telling Rishi the public hate him. We might fill in a couple of potholes if we can be bothered. Actually let’s not.”

Nikki Hollis, from Sheffield, said: “It’ll be slightly less grim now those awful twats and their demented conference have f**ked off.”