Trains great places to do complicated things, say idiots

A CROWDED train is the ideal place to unpack a massive picnic or sort out a business deal, idiots believe.

While being in a cramped space surrounded by others makes most people keep themselves to themselves, fuckwits say they enjoy the challenge of doing something inappropriate.

Mum-of-two Donna Sheridan said: “If we’re going on a journey longer than 40 minutes, I unpack a big bag of shopping and start slicing bread to make sandwiches.

“Sometimes we bring hot soup too. It makes a horrific mess and scalds the kids if they’re drinking it when the train goes round a bend, but they need their five a day.”

Solicitor Roy Hobbs said: “I normally try to iron out the finer details of a complicated legal contract. That’s in no way impractical when the signal cuts out every three minutes.”

Marketing manager Mary Fisher said: “If we’re going on holiday we’ll break out a 1,000-piece jigsaw or assemble a massive kite ready for the beach.

“It’s tricky when I’m also having a long talk with my friend about her gynaecological problems, but we muddle through with a bit of shouting.”

Asked if she was concerned about bothering other people on the train, Fisher said: “What other people?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How are you pretending not to be pissed at work?

YOU popped into the pub at lunchtime ‘for one’ and now you’re feeling surprisingly shitfaced. So how can you conceal it from your colleagues? Read our guide.

Dick about on the internet

Non-work internet surfing is probably frowned upon, but you’re a million times safer doing that than communicating with clients. Just don’t forget where you are in your stupor and send your boss a ‘hilarious’ clip of a monkey trying to shag a zebra.

Tidy up the stationery cupboard

The perfect place to hide until you sober up. You could even have a little lie down. Place some Post-its by your hand so you can claim you were “just picking them up” if someone comes in.

For fuck’s sake don’t answer the phone

But how? Simple. Suddenly realise the phone you breathe all over every day is probably more hygienically hazardous than a medical waste facility. Point this out to colleagues and unplug it from the wall until facilities management come to clean it.

Offer to give a urine sample

If anyone says they think you’ve been drinking, get a mug from the kitchen and offer to piss in it. They will immediately leave you alone.

Pretend to be ill

If you drank enough to feel queasy, vomit in your bin and claim it’s food poisoning. You’ll be sent home immediately, maybe even with some nice sympathy. Just don’t do it every Friday or people might get suspicious.