Kids vote shoe shopping best time to be proper little bastards

SHOPPING for shoes is the best time to be a complete and utter dick, children have decided.

Despite stiff competition from car journeys and trips to the supermarket, the UK’s small children believe shoe shops provide the most satisfying ‘kicking off’ experience.

Mum-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know if it’s something in the chemicals they use to treat leather but as soon as we step into a shoe shop my kids turn on me.

‘My six-year-old threw a size 9 Start-Rite at my head just because I asked the shop assistant about growing room. Then my four-year-old disappeared somewhere with a pair of crocs and I’m pretty sure he ate an odour eater.  

“Not to mention the fact that we always go back three times because shoes that fit perfectly in the fucking shop suddenly feel ‘too tight’ once we get home.”

Child Martin Bishop said: “At the shoe shop I demanded totally unsuitable shoes then screamed until the shop assistant became genuinely worried.

“It was sublime.”

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Your no-deal Brexit emergency survival guide

THE government has set up ‘Operation Yellowhammer’ to make emergency plans for a chaotic no-deal Brexit. So what should you do if everything goes to shit? Read our survival guide.

Stay in your home

This will actually cause society to collapse more quickly but if it means a few days off work, sod it. Also dads will enjoy doing things like checking the batteries in torches in a manly way.

Assemble a survival kit

Include matches, a camping stove and a multi-purpose tool. Actually let’s be honest, what you’re really going to need are shedloads of bog paper and tampons. Funny how they never mention those in post-apocalyptic Hollywood movies.

Listen to the radio for official broadcasts

The government will give you regular updates on the situation and instructions on what to do next. Or there might just be a recorded message saying everything’s fine and some ‘on hold’ muzak. You be the judge of that one.

Stockpile food

If you haven’t already done this go to Asda and grab whatever’s left after the panic buying. There’ll probably only be things like manky carrots and tinned turkey, so get a Jack Monroe book about cooking tasty meals on the dole.

Prepare for law and order to break down

Society is never far from anarchy, according to every apocalyptic drama ever. Before you know it your neighbour could be turning your dog into drumsticks and looking at your kids while holding the BBQ sauce ominously. Therefore it is a good idea to…

Arm yourself

Due to the UK’s sensible firearms laws you won’t be able to get any big sexy guns so you’ll have to improvise. Make a ‘deadly’ mace by hammering six-inch nails through the tennis ball on an old Swingball set.

Buy several ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ mugs

You’ll enjoy smashing them as you reflect on the fact that it was the bullshit WW2 nostalgia industry that helped get us into this mess in the first place.