'Miracle' mum learns to stick to relevant points of story

A MUM has baffled scientists by learning to tell a story in a clear and concise way.

Donna Sheridan, 52, used to recount anecdotes in a long and confusing fashion, including people and places that had nothing to do with her eventual point, if there was one.

However after extensive coaching in a laboratory setting, Sheridan has learned to cut out tedious, unnecessary detail such as what the weather was like that day.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We’re stunned by her new ability to convey information quickly and succinctly without digressing into the plot of Emmerdale.

“We repeatedly exposed her to examples of economical storytelling such as the film Jaws and gradually she learned to cut out irrelevant guff like whether she is planning pasta for dinner.

“We’d assumed mum anecdotes were an evolutionary trait whereby Stone Age mums protected their families from sabre-toothed tigers by keeping them in the cave listening to long, unfocused stories.

“But now this breakthrough offers hope to millions of children who suffer painful mum stories every weekend, often about rhododendrons.”

Sheridan said: “I bumped into my daughter’s old English teacher on Tuesday. Nothing of interest emerged. The end.”

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Man so excellent at driving he can set his own speed limits

A DRIVER is so brilliant at controlling a car he knows exactly how fast he can go without crashing or mowing people down.

Without even needing any specialist training, 29-year-old Tom Booker has used the power of self-belief to master the art of driving at twice the speed limit.

Booker said: “I’ve cut it fine a few times but that’s the only way you achieve excellence – not playing it by the Highway Code.

“Sure, other people – shall we say ladies? – should stick to the speed limit. But a natural driver like me knows instinctively when to overtake on a blind corner.

“Superb driving is a state of mind. That and pushing the pedal down quite far. And sometimes pushing the other pedal quite quickly when you realise an oncoming lorry is about to turn you into jam.”

Booker now feels his superlative driving skills have qualified him to rewrite other areas of the Highway Code, such as overtaking on the inside and parking in disabled spaces.

He added: “The same goes for drink driving. If you can’t handle a vehicle after four pints you shouldn’t really be driving in the first place.”