TV advert shows Santa kicked to death by reindeer

FATHER Christmas is dead because of massive skull damage inflicted by hooves, according to a new television commercial aimed at children.

The blood-soaked advert, for a tawdry catalogue shop with extortionate credit terms, shows the violent and protracted death of the jovial supernatural gift-giver.

Advertising account director Tom Logan, who oversaw the project, said: “Our brief was to make it explicitly clear to infants that they must never believe in anything except money.”

The 30-second commercial opens with Father Christmas in a snow-covered suburban garden, brutally whipping his exhausted reindeer for their inability to get back in the sky and deliver another few billion presents.

As the protracted beating escalates into an orgy of sadism, the sweat-drenched herbivores retaliate. Prancer skewers Santa on his sharp reindeer horns, tossing the red-clad pensioner around like a tubby rag doll before hurling him to the ground.

The other reindeer, who are seen to be literally salivating with hate, join in the assault, kicking and stamping on the elderly man’s bleeding, shattered body.

At one point he almost escapes, but Dancer grabs his trouser leg and drags him back into the vicious throng.

Finally Father Christmas’s bearded head splits like a coconut. Over-excited by the bloodshed, Donner urinates and then mixes it with some of the blood to spell the words ‘Happy Christmas’.

This is followed by the on-screen caption ‘Father Christmas is dead now, dead. But your mother has unlimited amounts of cash and also probably feels guilt about some neglected aspect of your upbringing.’ Then a link to the shop’s website appears.

Logan added: “Any moral qualms we had were put aside when we realised how many millions of hours children would save by not scrawling pathetic crayon notes to a corpulent fraud.”


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Report condemned for not calling UK women 'jolliest in Europe'

A REPORT into obesity has been condemned as ‘incredibly rude’ after calling British women fat.

Campaigners said the report had ignored a range of internationally recognised terms including ‘cheeksome’ ‘oomph-tastic’ and ‘having enough personality to smother a buffalo’.

Nikki Hollis, Britain’s fourth jolliest woman, said: “This report was obviously written by some scrawny bitch who pukes donuts into her handbag.

“She’s probably too scared to have a baby in case it bursts out of her tiny stomach like something out of Alien.”

Lead researcher, Dr Helen Archer, said: “That wasn’t very jolly.”

The department of health pledged that if women became less bubbly through diet and exercise it would consider giving them a free Morecambe and Wise DVD to help maintain their levels of cheerfulness.

Meanwhile the United Nations’ International Panel on Body Words has called for all sides to agree a ‘framework of description’ that was both upbeat and ‘an accurate representation of volume’.

A spokesman said: “We were thinking ‘chunky monkey’.”