Ferguson absolutely does not call for linesmen to be 'disappeared'

SIR Alex Ferguson has made it clear he in no way advocates having officials who displease him disappear without trace.

The Manchester United manager absolutely did not make the threat after Newcastle were awarded the first away team penalty at Old Trafford since goalkeeper Albert Thompson threw a lit pipe at Burnley’s Jack Threlfall in 1912.

The referee’s decision caused several stewards to faint, with Ferguson himself having to be revived using smelling salts made from Essence of Rooney.

He said: “It’s not up to me to say that any human presuming to accuse my players of cheating should have their fingernails pulled out in a Moss Side lock-up while I sit and watch from my chair made of the bones of FA officials.

“Others might argue that I should be allowed to personally select who officiates United games from my own private army of Gary Neville clones raised on a private island, but not I.”

Ferguson has a history of criticising referees, including an incident last year when he blamed Martin Atkinson for the late arrival of his copy of the Morning Star and suggested a conspiracy within the FA as he had ‘concrete proof’ Roberto Mancini’s Daily Telegraph was always waiting for him bang on 7.30am wrapped in a nice rubber band.

United assistant manager Mike Phelan has asked that reporters refrain from wearing black during press conferences, reminding them that Ferguson’s eyesight is not what it used to be and they may end up in a wooded area.

Phelan said: “Today it’s match officials, but last week’s draw with Benfica was somehow caused by The One Show.

“I’ve started to tune him out.”

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Osborne to add 114 lanes to the M6

GEORGE Osborne is to keep adding lanes to the M6 until everyone has money again.

The chancellor is to announce a major investment in infrastructure that will make the 232 mile motorway between Rugby and Gretna Britain’s ‘main thing’ from now on.

He said: “Adding 114 lanes to the M6 will become our great national project and everyone will be able to take part in it. PR firms and marketing agencies will be able to represent different lanes and flyovers while film makers will be inspired by the great motorway and young, out-of-work poets will sell millions of books by comparing it to something.

“And of course when we put all these people back to work they will once again be able to afford payment protection insurance.

“I thank you.”

The plan will see large swathes of the West Midlands, Lancashire and the Lake District covered in tarmac, but the Treasury stressed that removing huge amounts of habitable space would drive up house prices in the rest of the country and lift millions of people out of negative equity.

Meanwhile experts said the M6 plan was the crucial first step towards creating a cutting edge, 21st century economy based on widening things.

Martin Bishop, chief economist at Madeley Finnegan said: “I suspect that with targeted investment and tax breaks for research in 10 years time hi-tech British workers will be able to widen almost anything.

“Imagine something as simple and everyday as a toothbrush and then imagine it being twice as wide.”

The chancellor insisted the recovery would still be export-led because he will invite lots of Chinese people to come and look at the M6 and then buy chunks of it to take home.

Mr Osborne said: “We will soon return to growth thanks to one gigantic motorway and Pippa Middleton’s impending book deal.”