NHS hospitals could soon be staffed with doctors at weekends.
Health service managers admitted death rates were higher between Friday night and Monday morning because a shortage of doctors meant many patients were forced to treat each other and most of them were drunk.
A department of health spokesman said: “You’ve got some pissed lunatic with a huge gash in her forehead trying to do a butterfly stitch on her best friend and then the two of them start stabbing each other with scalpels over who is going to give the first blow job to the good looking bloke that they are both simultaneously hallucinating.
“It is free at the point of delivery but it’s not really medicine.”
The British Medical Association warned there was little point in replacing drunk, angry patients with drunk, angry doctors and stressed it would be far better if everyone could just stop being so annoying.
The NHS also promised to reduce the number of pretend doctors working in accident and emergency wards.
The spokesman added: “On Saturday and Sundays we rent out a lot of A&E departments and intensive care units to TV channels and film companies so they can train actors who will then go on to play really good doctors.
“We’re very proud to support Britain’s creative industries and it gives us the funds we need to buy solar powered ticket machines for the car park.
“Meanwhile there’s a good chance one of your relatives will have been killed by someone off Casualty, pretending to use a defibrillator that wasn’t even plugged in.