Elbow to demoralise Britain's olympic rivals

MUSICAL mirth hoovers Elbow have been asked to compose a sonic weapon for the 2012 Olympic Games, it has emerged.

The resulting six minutes’ worth of turgid misery will be used on all BBC Olympic coverage and also played on a loop through the Olympic Stadium’s PA to crush the spirits of Team GB’s competitors.

Dubbed the ‘Bedwetter Audio Bomb’, it is hoped that the ruse will confer an unfair advantage on UK athletes without breaking any rules.

Dr Helen Archer of the Institute for Studies has created a computer simulation to demonstrate the effect on foreigners of music which is much slower and more anguished than they are used to.

She said: “Elbow’s One Day Like This, even at double speed, would cause them to intentionally run into the path of a javelin whilst begging for merciful death.

“The simulation also predicts that after just a few bars of Grounds For Divorce Usain Bolt will be wrestling the starter to the ground and then jamming the stolen pistol into his own mouth.”

However Dr Archer’s model anticipates that British athletes would be no more distracted than they usually are.

She explained: “The majority of Team GB has lived their life under the Coldplay regime. This in turn has increased their natural immunity to morose bedwetter music.

“I am also recommending intense training sessions under Radiohead conditions to ensure their gloom tolerance is maintained at the highest level.”



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Is this the best stick ever?

A STICK picked up on a cycle path near Stoke may be the finest ever found, it has been claimed.

Tom Logan, 48-year-old engineer, was walking his labrador when he stumbled on a fallen branch.

He said: “On closer inspection it was apparent that one particular bit of the branch would make a very serviceable stick.

“But after snapping it off I was astonished by its excellent heft, convenient length and the way it was rigid but not brittle.

“I couldn’t help but swoosh it about – and believe me, I am not a swoosher. That’s when I really started getting excited.”

Logan showed the stick to friends, who agreed that they had not seen a better one and suggested he lend it to specialists.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “I can confirm that this is a truly exceptional stick. Look at it, it’s just so…right.

“I’ve tried using it to knock nettles out of the way while getting over a stile, and the result was amazingly satisfying.

“Is it the best stick ever? Well, I’m awaiting corroboration but let’s say I’m quietly excited.”

Tom Logan said: “My life has been turned upside down by this stick. And who knows where the journey could end?”