Yoga newcomers discover it is possible to be simultaneously bored and in pain

PEOPLE trying yoga for the first time have discovered its unique combination of tedium and extreme physical discomfort.

36-year-old Emma Bradford tried a class on National Yoga Day: “I thought being in pain was, although unpleasant, inherently quite exciting or at least alarming.

“But yoga is so boring that I am didn’t even notice my ligaments detonating as I bent like a human croquet hoop.

“Because the droning of the yoga teacher and the weird sanctimonious vibe make an hour seem like a week, I’m thinking harder about escaping back to normal, fun stuff than I am about being sore as hell for a fortnight.”

Recruitment consultant Tom Booker said: “Yoga has given me an opportunity to ponder the bigger questions like ‘why am I doing this?’, ‘what possible benefit could it have?’ and ‘if I let rip with a loud guff will everyone judge me?’.”

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March all you f**king like, says Osborne

GEORGE Osborne has told anti-austerity protestors to knock themselves out when it comes to marching.

The chancellor said: “I was in my office on Saturday, putting the finishing touches to my £12bn welfare cuts Excel spreadsheet, when I looked up to see 250,000 people stomping about outside.

“Call me old fashioned, but I can’t see the point of walking around in the rain to try and stop someone – in this case, me – doing something they’re definitely going to do anyway. However, if people are into it, then who am I to stand in their way?

“Go nuts.”

Osborne added: “For future reference, the one thing about marching that I am bang into is the humourous placards. I’m an absolute sod for a funny sign, so I specifically waited till Sunday to announce the cuts, just in case I spotted a cracker on Saturday, and decided to change my mind.

“Unfortunately, the best on offer was one of me as Leonardo DiCaprio with the slogan, ‘The Wolf of Downing Street’. That’s just shit.

“But the main reason I’m doing this is to make Charlotte Church unhappy. She knows why.”