Zuckerberg closes Facebook and opens shadowy emporium catering to your heart's deepest desires

MARK Zuckerberg has closed down Facebook and opened a creepy little shop that has exactly what you most desire.

Following the ‘data breach’ scandal, the disgraced CEO has changed his name to ‘Mr Zuck’, grown a pencil moustache and opened ‘Mr Zuck’s Magical Emporium’ in a small, anonymous American town.

He said: “Come inside, come inside, you will find many things to amuse and delight. Emma Bradford of 33a Wisteria Close, you may be interested in this special ‘parfum’ to make local handyman Stephen Malley love you.

“Because I know you like him Emma, just as I know you went to Maryland University and your favourite meal is ‘tapas’.

“School janitor Wayne Hayes, I know you lack confidence in your looks, I may have noticed it in your stilted selfies. What you need, my friend, is this magical mirror to make you appear more handsome than Ryan Gosling.”

Zuckerberg confirmed that everything in his shop was free, added: “There may be some form of payment required at a later date, but don’t you worry your pretty little heads about that.”

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Dad gives shit advice on homework

A DAD has helpfully given his son all the wrong answers to his homework.

Father-of-one Nathan Muir confidently gave an incorrect description of what a verb is, despite not having a fucking clue.

He said: “That’s easy. It’s a naming-word, like ‘cat’ or ‘tennis’. Put ‘tennis’ as an example.”

When Muir’s 10-year-old Robin asked him if he was certain, he replied: “Just write it down. I know these things because I’m a grown-up, alright?

“Stop spoiling this touching father-son moment with your lack of faith.”

Muir later told his son that Spain used to be called Bulgaria, which will be a major factor in his son being kept back a year at school, just like his dad was.