We don't trust you any more, Britons tell spring

THE UK has told spring that it is nice to see it but after its betrayals they can never truly love it again. 

The season, which was expecting a hero’s welcome, wondered aloud this morning why nobody was looking its blue sky in the eye and its blossom was being steadfastly ignored, and was sat down for a talk. 

Mary Fisher of Hythe said: “Look, there’s no doubt it’s lovely to see you when you’re here. It’s when you’re not here. 

“Twice this month alone I’ve genuinely believed that you were back for good, and twice you’ve just vanished without warning, leaving me sobbing in a thin jacket in sub-zero winds. 

“I put the washing out last week and there was snow on it! Snow! And do you have one word of apology? No, you just swan back all ‘Hey, who likes crocuses?’ 

“I know winter’s not perfect, believe me, but at least he’s reliable. He doesn’t let me down. I’m sorry, but I can’t let myself to be hurt like that again.” 

Spring is thought to have gone to commiserate with summer, which the British public has not spoken to since 2007. 

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How to have ideologically-sound fun at Labour’s new music festival

WITH acts like John McDonnell and probably also Chumbawamba, Labour Live looks set to become a major music festival. Here’s our handy survival guide.

Don’t kill yourself trying to see everything. You might have to miss The Levellers if you want to see Diane Abbott giving a speech about young people.

Carry a bottle of water at all times. Your throat will get dry from discussing Trident and denouncing Blairites.

Being caught in a crush at a festival can be frightening. Stand to one side when the crowd surges forward to see John McDonnell outlining Labour’s regional infrastructure investment plans.

It’s easy to get separated from your friends, so agree on a well-known meeting place, for example the TUC stall next to the vegan kebab van.

Don’t just hang around the main stage. Check out the Momentum Tent, which has some great debates like ‘How to convince your parents you really are a socialist and not just going through a phase’.

Bring a portable mobile phone charger. You’ll kick yourself if there’s a surprise act like the Guardian’s Owen Jones discussing LGBT-friendly socks and you aren’t able to film it.

Be sure not to miss Jeremy Corbyn. Rumour has it the veteran performer is planning an epic three-hour set full of classic hits like I’ve got a question from Doreen in Leicester and Let’s not talk about Brexit.