Protestants parading around like a bunch of dildos again

NORTHERN Ireland’s protestants are yet again commemorating a 17th Century battle by poncing around in their bowler hats. 

The annual parades see thousands of men marching through the streets, many of them playing dainty flutes that make them look like angry little pixies.

But the parades are set to cause tension for the 323rd year in a row because the protestant dildos like to prance around in front of Catholics who, for some reason, do not find them utterly ridiculous.

Julian Cook, professor of religious wind instruments at Roehampton University, said: “This all goes back to the Battle of the Boyne in 1690 when King William of Orange defeated the Catholic King James II by outplaying him on the recorder.

“The victorious William then took James’s bowler hat and skipped around like a tosspot while waving his orange sash in the air, like some kind of Dutch morris dancer.

“Then they had a massive battle because they had all come a long way and it seemed daft not to.”

Professor Cook added: “And so the protestants commemorate this every year to remind the world they are mentally ill.”

Bill McKay, an ‘Orange Man’, from Belfast, marches at the front of the parade and bangs a drum as a reward for being the biggest dildo in his street.

He said: “I’m really proud of my heritage so I painted a massive bowler hat on a wall.”

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School dinner money to be spent entirely on Space Raiders

GOVERNMENT plans to ban packed lunches will cause a massive boom in sales of Space Raiders, it has been claimed.

Child behaviorist Emma Bradford said: “Parents will give their children a couple of quid every day, and that money will be spent on bags of alien-themed corn snacks.”

8-year-old Tom Booker said: “Space Raiders are a balanced meal if you get bags of beef flavour, onion flavour, and saucy BBQ flavour.

“That’s your meat, your vegetable and your…BBQ sauce. Then Jaw Breakers for pudding.”