AGGRESSIVE swans are to replace Britain’s nuclear arsenal.
The swans will fly under radar before landing in enemy territory, pecking troops and frightening civilians away by waggling their heads and looking crazy.
An MOD spokesman said, “A large flock of a thousand birds also produces a huge amount of slimy green shit that smells like rotten fish, making any city they land in uninhabitable for a thousand years.
“Nuclear weapons are extremely expensive to operate and maintain whereas with swans you just need a few bags of stale Wonderloaf and some pond weed.
“Swans thrive on violence and have a strong sense of patriotism due to being owned by the Queen. The hard part is getting them to go in the right direction.”
