Five interview questions there are no good answers to

JOB interviews are a humiliating parade of lies on all sides, but these questions can’t be answered without leaving you feeling small, ashamed and unemployed: 

Tell us a little bit about yourself

This invitation to puff yourself up like an exotic bird in mating season is purely to entertain the interviewers. As you sell out by claiming every step of your life so far has been leading up to this shining moment, across the desk they’re all writing ‘twat’ on a notepad.

Can you describe your proudest moment? 

Forget your real achievements: shoplifting from Harrods, completing Halo: Reach on Legendary, a thoroughly successful threesome. Instead bathe in craven shame as you describe inheriting a much-loved colleague’s unpaid duties as the greatest moment of your life.

How do you handle stress?

Even after omitting everything you actually do when you’re stressed – drink, binge-eat, cry or take out your anger on someone completely undeserving – your answer will still be shit. You’ll say you make bullet-pointed lists. Anyone who ever loved you will feel a wince in their heart as your soul dies.

What would you say is your biggest weakness? 

Lateness? Laziness? Gross incompetence? Misappropriation of funds? All honest, all wrong. ‘I can be too much of a perfectionist’ has been done. ‘I push myself too hard’ is patently bullshit. Go with ‘I need to breathe oxygen to live’ and let them accuse you of lying.

Why are you leaving your current job? And will you be repeating the same sort of betrayal once you’re successful in this role?

Skirting over the disciplinary measures taken against you at your last job is a safe bet, but the ensuing eye-watering plea about your lifelong desire to find fulfilment as a procurement manager for a corporate stationery distributor won’t help you live with yourself either.

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Why police and teachers have earned their pay freeze, by Rishi Sunak

OUR police and teachers are the backbone of society, out there on the frontlines when so many are cowering at home. That’s why I, Rishi Sunak, think they’ve earned every penny of their pay freeze.

I ask myself, what are we doing this for? We’re fighting this battle to restore the world to the place it was before Covid, which is why public sector salaries should remain exactly the same for a calm, unhurried three years.

Could you imagine how unsettling it would be if teachers had their pay cut, or worse, increased? They’d be so distracted that they wouldn’t be able to guess what GCSE results should be. Frankly our children deserve better.

A consistent pay cheque is also the foundation of our police force. If we give them more money they’ll get drunk on power, but if we reduce it by even a penny there’s a real risk they might become self-serving, corrupt liars. That must never be allowed to happen.

At the end of the day, people doing these jobs aren’t in it for the money. They work for more altruistic reasons like being undervalued by society. Showering them with cash would be an insult.

Some might call this austerity, but it isn’t. It is for them, but it isn’t for everyone else. And it’s that kind of selective, caring austerity we need as public sector workers who’ve continued throughout the pandemic pay for private sector workers who’ve had a year off.

Trust me, it’s the only way to be fair to everyone. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to have a coffee from £180 Bluetooth-connected smart mug. Mmm. Tastes all the sweeter.