JOB interviews are a humiliating parade of lies on all sides, but these questions can’t be answered without leaving you feeling small, ashamed and unemployed:
Tell us a little bit about yourself
This invitation to puff yourself up like an exotic bird in mating season is purely to entertain the interviewers. As you sell out by claiming every step of your life so far has been leading up to this shining moment, across the desk they’re all writing ‘twat’ on a notepad.
Can you describe your proudest moment?
Forget your real achievements: shoplifting from Harrods, completing Halo: Reach on Legendary, a thoroughly successful threesome. Instead bathe in craven shame as you describe inheriting a much-loved colleague’s unpaid duties as the greatest moment of your life.
How do you handle stress?
Even after omitting everything you actually do when you’re stressed – drink, binge-eat, cry or take out your anger on someone completely undeserving – your answer will still be shit. You’ll say you make bullet-pointed lists. Anyone who ever loved you will feel a wince in their heart as your soul dies.
What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Lateness? Laziness? Gross incompetence? Misappropriation of funds? All honest, all wrong. ‘I can be too much of a perfectionist’ has been done. ‘I push myself too hard’ is patently bullshit. Go with ‘I need to breathe oxygen to live’ and let them accuse you of lying.
Why are you leaving your current job? And will you be repeating the same sort of betrayal once you’re successful in this role?
Skirting over the disciplinary measures taken against you at your last job is a safe bet, but the ensuing eye-watering plea about your lifelong desire to find fulfilment as a procurement manager for a corporate stationery distributor won’t help you live with yourself either.