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Transfer deadline day also a bank holiday, men tell bosses

MEN in offices have explained to their superiors that today is also a bank holiday if you are sufficiently into football. 

Anyone who has a season ticket, a Sky Sports subscription or a Fantasy League team is allowed to attend their workplace while spending the entire day monitoring liveblogs, scouring social media and spreading rumours about Yamal signing for Coventry.

Jordan Gardner said: “I’ve sent my boss to HR to check my contract. Pretty sure it’s in there as standard.

“As an Evertonian, how am I expected to concentrate on quarterly accounts when the Grealish loan’s hanging in the air? When Nidaye’s been nicked by City, leaving a hole in our right wing? When the Balogun deal isn’t yet done?

“If I even tried to do any work today I’d be too distracted and do it wrong. You don’t want to be presenting the reports and find I’ve put ‘Iroegbunam to Hull? F**k’s sake’ as our ROI for Q3.

“Why didn’t I book the day off? What, you think my home broadband could handle me simultaneously surfing on four devices while watching a livestream? Dream on.”

Line manager Carolyn Ryan said: “So it’s a day where businesses dump underperforming employees in favour of better, cheaper ones? I’m listening.”

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Words for knickers, ranked from unsexy to knob-shrivelling

THERE is no arousing word for a lady’s underthings and most kill the mood stone dead. We rank them from bad to worst: 

Lingerie

Are you Baudelaire? Or any other 19th century French poet? No? When you didn’t even pass GCSE French, refrain from calling your girlfriend’s £3 polyester Primark thong her ‘lingerie’. She’s a client services advisor, not a courtesan.

Pants or panties

As an Americanism ‘panties’ can sound vaguely exotic, yet ‘pants’ brings back memories of Frank Skinner dancing in Y-fronts and no one can get aroused after that. ‘Pants’ also being British slang for something crap also doesn’t augur well for your sexual performance.

Undies

Sounds like something your mum might say when inquiring as to the contents of your laundry basket. Too cosy for sexy talk, unless you’re into that and frankly you shouldn’t be.

Drawers

Feels like something a lady would wear for churning butter or that a man would store a collection of screwdrivers in. No man has ever successfully seduced a woman by inviting her to ‘get her drawers off’. Maybe once, in Burnley.

Knickers

Doesn’t exactly get the heart racing. ‘Get those knickers off,’ sounds like you’re rehearsing a 70s sex comedy. It’s a technical term, and one covering a multitude. Like your wife’s large cotton briefs.

Bloomers

The sort of item one would sport while operating a printing press or riding a bicycle side-saddle. Went out of fashion in 1912. No matter how big a lady’s M&S pants are, they’re not really bloomers.

Unmentionables

Downright Victorian and founded in the a belief that a lady should not possess genitalia. Indeed, in this philosophy there’s nothing connecting her upper and lower halves. It is all simply unmentionable, like the prospect of her having the right to vote.

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