Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

The Power Personality Test.

Many people would give their right arm or it’s financial equivalent to be in my close circle of friends. In fact I went so far as to work out some figures with a potential friend and top salesman Geoff Harris, but I wouldn’t accept a deferred payment scheme.

Your close circle of friends reflects on you as a person so it needs to look and smell excellent. However great you may be, a weak circle can lock you into a lifetime of meaningless dinner parties. I’ve surrounded myself with CEOs, the world’s top animal plastic surgeon, two international DJs and a 17 year-old contortionist. We’re successful, we’re attractive and, most of all, we’re fun.

I’ve designed a ground-breaking personality test that will allow you to determine whether or not someone should be in your inner circle of friends. Get them to answer the following questions and score them 1 for a yes and 0 for a no.

1. Have they ever done anything that Alan Sugar might think is good?

2. Have they invested wisely in property?

3. Are they not slippery to the touch?

4. Do they carry a hanky?

5. What do their ears look like?

6. Is yogurt important to them?

7. Do they know a girl called Rudie Tiddler?

8. Does anyone else like them?

9. Is there a reasonable amount of people who like them?

10. Can they do anything cool that makes you better as a their close friend? E.g. Pay for dinners, double-jointed limbs, own trained exotic animals.

10 – 8. They are in. Keep them close by whatever means, like buying them a luxury friendship bracelet or the same shoes as yours.

7 – 5. More testing needed, they may have potential, try and find out what they’ve got in savings or what they look like in swimwear.

4 – 2. Get them out of the inner circle now, even if they give you the whole ‘but we’ve been friends for ages’ line. If they’re getting clingy perhaps you ought to invite them on a deep sea fishing trip.

1 – 0. You should be ashamed that you know people like this.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of The Cost Effective Way to Consensual Quality Friendships


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
One of my so-called ‘friends’ has apparently been slagging me off on Facebook and Twitter and I’m not willing to let her get away with it. The person in question is always nice as pie when we’re face-to-face but as soon as she’s online she’s tweeting about how I don’t know what day of the week it is or updating her status to say she hopes she doesn’t have to sit next to me at lunch because the smell of piss puts her off her minestrone. Can you believe her cheek? To make matters worse, this place only has one computer which she’s always hogging so I can never get online to check what she’s been saying about me. I’ve asked one of the staff here if I can get access to a laptop but they just smile at me and tell me to take my medication. How can I stop this two-faced elderly cyberbitch before my reputation is ruined forever?
Park View Care Home

Dear Queenie,
It’s at times like this when you need to forget about social networking and get back to basics by having a good old fashioned playground scrap. Put the word out after morning assembly that there’s going to be a fight and by lunchtime you’ll have half the school standing in a circle in the playground clapping and baying for blood. Remember to remove your tie and any valuables such as marbles, pipe cleaners or conkers so they don’t get lost in the scramble. As your opening move, grab your opponent’s jumper and swing them round several times to disorientate them, following up with a swift and decisive push to the middle of the back, winding them and sending them flying on to the concrete where they’ll hopefully get a nasty graze to the hands and knees. By this point, you’ll need to make a quick exit, because the teacher will have spotted the fracas, spilled his coffee down his shirt and be wading angrily through the crowd towards you. The nearest hiding place is behind the portacabins where Stacey Diddle takes boys to show them her pants. With any luck the teacher will collar someone else or get distracted by a dog turd on the football pitch and you’ll be free to fight another day.
Hope that helps!