Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Good news as your pseudodocumentary Made In Hoxton, which follows the semi-scripted adventures of a bunch of unforgivable, sneering TV pricks, is given the green light.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you do have an Oedipal issue, it’s that you couldn’t spell it properly if somebody put a dictionary-shaped gun to your head.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
That’s how you roll, is it? Living the dream, are you? Rock ‘n’ roll, you say? If the allied troops of 67 years ago could have heard you, I doubt they’d have bothered.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week I’m going to tell the police your back garden is full of dead nuns and I’ll do it in a weird, spooky voice so they have to believe me. All that new decking will have to come up.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Well I stand up next to a mountain, and I chop it down with the edge of my hand. Y’know, there’s not enough really good songs about open cast mining.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Harness the positive energy within and send affirmations of love out to the cosmos to turn around the run of bad fortune you’ve had recently. If that fails, buy a crate of vodka and a shotgun.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can’t wait for the release of The Green Lantern as the CGI is apparently so good Ryan Reynolds doesn’t look like an eminently punchable spurt of dickspittle.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You may have thought your friends would be jealous when you bagged a girlfriend that’s ten years younger than you are but instead you’ve become an outcast in your 6th-form college.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week, in a bout of refreshing honesty, you start referring to your constituents as ‘scum’ during a speech proposing the repeal of child labour laws.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I’m getting a message from your granddad who says he hasn’t seen Jesus yet and is starting to think it may have something to to do with all those villagers in WWII that he never told you about. Press ‘five’ to find out more.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As Pisces and Sagittarius start their second week in your house, the
place is smelling progressively more like stale fish and horse shit.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Expect tailbacks on the M1 between junctions 4 and 7 this Saturday due
to a burst lorry. Yeah, maybe it is, but I’m still more fucking mystical than you.