System working like a charm as OAPs toss food-heat coin

BRITAIN’S political and economic systems were working like clockwork last night as old people in the world’s fifth richest country cheerfully tossed their food-heat coins.

Across the country pensioners said the excitement of watching the coin fly up in the air and then tumble earthwards was a wonderful way to spend their retirement.

Bill McKay, from Darlington, said: “I keep my coin in an old ring box and polish it with Brasso every other day.

“Not only do I enjoy the way the light catches it as it spins in mid air, but every other week I get to teach my little grandson how to toss the coin so that if he ever retires he’ll be able to look back and say ‘thanks granddad’.”

Helen Archer, a retired nurse from Peterborough, added: “My thumbs are a bit past it now so my daughter comes in once a week and tosses it for me.

“I get the sitting room all nice and then I bring out the coin. Oh the excitement. Mind you my doctor says I mustn’t do it more than once a week now.

“Then when the coin has landed I either put the radiators on or make a nice cup of tea. I prefer tea after a good coin toss, but that’s just the way my generation was brought up.”

Meanwhile experts said the OAP coin craze proved that everything was ticking over very nicely and that successive Labour and Conservative governments should be commended for helping to create such a thrilling pastime.

Economist Julian Cook said: “Because our system is so flawless it means we no longer have to say things like ‘what in the name of fuck is going on here?’ or ‘stop arguing you bunch of utter pricks and fix this right fucking now’.”

McKay added: “Oh, it’s been a great coin this one. It’s just a shame I will eventually have to give it to Scottish Power.”



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'Slutwalk' inadvertently doubles as male deodorant advert

A MARCH by provocatively-dressed women has been used as a backdrop by an opportunistic deodorant film crew, it has emerged.

The Swindon ‘Slutwalk’, designed to highlight women’s right to publicly assert their sexuality, was hijacked by the team filming a television commercial for Dyer Deo, a new Danny Dyer-front deodorant brand with the strapline ‘Drives birds mental’.

Dyer Deo brand director Wayne Hayes said: “When we heard there was all these birds with their charlies out waving banners and whatnot, we were like, ‘sweet as, that’s gonna save us at least ten large on models’.

“Even if some of them are boilers, we use digital effects to make them fitter in post-production. Technology is mental these days.”

In the completed advert, Danny Dyer is fleeing the horde of scantily-clad women who are attempting to sexually ravage him after liberal applications of Dyer Deo have made him scientifically irresistible.

The star of The Football Factory is seen being chased through Swindon by the rapacious females. However there is a twist, as the actor leads them into a cattle-style pen, escaping by the seat of his Sergio Tacchini tracksuit as they are loaded into lorries marked ‘Danny’s Fanny Farm’.

Hayes added: “It’s not sexist. We see Danny’s tracksuit bottoms get damaged, so there’s no clear winner.”

Swindon Slutwalk organiser Emma Bradford said: “Many believe the word ‘slut’ to be derogatory just because it means ‘slovenly or promiscuous woman’.

“It’s fine for men to be slovenly sex pests and we are asserting our right to emulate that.

“Hmmm, maybe next time we’ll set the aspirations a tad higher.”