Texas police draw up list of approved psychics

POLICE in Texas are to draw up a list of certified psychic visionaries after a supernatural tip-off turned out to be a waste of time.

Yesterday a woman claimed to have had a vision of a mass grave full of murder victims at a house near Houston, causing local police to believe her.

But, as dozens of officers swarmed the property, carrying out an inch by inch search that took more than four hours, it emerged that the psychic vision had been of very poor quality.

A spokesman for the state’s attorney general said: “It was almost as if this woman wasn’t really psychic at all.”

State authorities now want to set up a programme to vet psychics, with approved visionaries and clairvoyants being given a special bright red phone that connects directly to their local police chief.

The spokesman added: “If you are going to devote hundreds of man hours to investigating a psychic vision it needs to be a really good one.

“That means we can’t give a red phone to someone just because they had a particularly vivid dream. I imagine they will have to have their own crystal ball or recently used tea cup.”

The woman who made the claim could now be charged under Texas law with making a negligent supernatural report.

But Psychic Bob, Britain’s leading clairvoyant, said: “I feel sorry for her. Psychic crime visions are tricky buggers.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if somewhere in the world there is an undiscovered mass grave full of murder victims. I’ll bet you she was only out by a couple of thousand miles.”


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Doctors to check for anyone who looks a bit bomb-y

HOME Secretary Theresa May has asked GPs to check if any of their patients look like they might blow up soon.

As May delved deeper into the bottomless pit of her insanity, doctors were told to carry out tests for blood pressure, heart rate and a seething hatred of liberal Western values.  

Telltale signs GPs have been asked to look out for include whether the patient has grown a great big beard, complains of back strain from carrying unusually-heavy rucksacks or has covered their body with lots of brown skin.

Martin Bishop, a GP from Stevenage, said: “Any honest colleague will tell you that making it through the week without dropping a fatality-related bollock counts as a good one so I’m not sure how we’re going to be able to diagnose latent martyrdom unless it shows up on a person’s tongue.

“After asking them how many cigarettes they smoke and how many units of alcohol they drink a week, maybe I’ll just pop a question in at the end about how many times a week they fantasise about being smeared across the top deck of a bus.

“Besides which, I work in a small village practise in Buckinghamshire where the average patient is a retired stockbroker, so unless the BBC cancels The Archers I’m not expecting that many jihads.”

Bishop added: “That said, after successfully negotiating their way past my receptionist and spending a couple of hours in my waiting room reading a 1994 copy of Take A Break pretty much all my patients look like they want to end it all and take half the post office next door with them.”

The plan is part of the government’s £60m a year Prevent program, a counter-terrorist campaign that is considering a wide variety of ways to reduce extremism in the UK except for Britain not acting like a right bastard in other people’s countries.