Cheryl deal collapses as everyone involved decides to do something with their life

LAST-MINUTE negotiations over Cheryl Cole’s television career were abruptly terminated last night after her management team decided to start living actual lives.

Former Girls Aloud singer Cole had been on the brink of a multi-million pound contract following a bidding war between the makers of two broadly similar television singing competitions.

Cole’s former manager Tom Logan said: “Twelve of us had been up all night, sleeves rolled to the elbows, alternately shouting down the phone at Americans and Simon Cowell, pausing only to cradle our heads in our hands and say ‘fuck’ in a low voice.

“Behind us was a whiteboard with the words ‘Cheryl’s core brand values’ written on it in blue marker pen, below which was a list reading ‘sassy’, ‘feminine’ and ‘hair’.

“I got up to take my ninth slash of the night, vaguely aware that all this stress was beginning to affect my prostate, when I heard a crunch beneath my left shoe. On closer inspection, I found I had stood on a green and yellow caterpillar.

“Suddenly I realised that a living creature, yes one that looks like animated toothpaste but a life form nonetheless, had become collateral damage in the battle to shoehorn some Cuprinoled bint into either Piece of Shit Television Programme A or Piece of Shit Television Programme B.

“I told everyone: put down your phones and see. See what we have done.”

Cheryl Cole’s former brand manager Emma Bradford said: “We knew instantly that Tom was right. In that caterpillar’s crushed insides I saw the leaking remnants of my humanity.

“No one said a word. We simply filed out of that room and disappeared into the world.

“I am going to work with injured chimps, or maybe get an ice cream van.”



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Apple fans demand perfectly designed box for iCloud

APPLE fans last night welcomed the new iCloud service but said they would like a lovely box to put it in.

The cloud computing service is the first Apple launch in more than 250 years to not involve a plastic rectangle with rounded edges that costs at least £300.

Chief executive Steve Jobs said iCloud would make it easier to ‘synch’ music, photos and complex emotions between different devices but enthusiasts stressed they were deeply uncomfortable about using an Apple product that could not be seen by other people in coffee shops.

Stephen Malley, from Finsbury Park, said: “It should come with a plastic or brushed aluminium box, perhaps about an inch high and six inches along each side and with the Apple logo on top.

“Obviously it would be completely empty because the actual cloud is in the sky or something, but at least I would have my lovely thing.

“I’m willing to pay up to £750.”

He added: “Then, when I’m in the coffee shop, I will be able to notice people glancing at my new box and I can say ‘I see you’re admiring my iCloud’ and then I’d tell them not to touch it.


Helen Archer, a retail analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “It is strange that Jobs has passed up the opportunity to sell people an empty box for £750. Perhaps the empty box will come with iCloud2.

“Then again the ‘cloud’ is perhaps the perfect Apple design concept – light, white and beautifully simple. It is everywhere above us. It surrounds us, it becomes us and we become it.”

She added: “So it’s a shame that the actual ‘cloud’ is a vast, humming warehouse filled to the brim with computers and would hurt like fuck if you tried to fly through it.”