EVERY politician in Britain has decided that only dickheads yearning to get on the property ladder matter.
Issues from rail fares to tuition fees to retirement age have all been swept aside as Labour and the Conservatives compete for the affections of jumped-up little pricks who will not be happy until they have erected a ‘No Turning’ sign in their very own drive.
Sir Keir Starmer said: “High crime? Cost of living? Can’t do business with Europe? F**k all that. Can’t buy a house? You’re our boy.
“We’re looking for the small-minded, the selfish, the people who can’t wait to put cones in their parking space. We’ll help you become the petty prick writing letters to the council about branches overhanging your conservatory you know you are inside.”
But Rishi Sunak countered: “We are the party of home ownership. We’ll build on fields and green belts until the whole of England is one horrible new-build estate, every house ten inches from its neighbour.
“What could be more Tory than mowing your own little piece of property, glaring suspiciously at anyone who dares stroll past, being delighted that interest rates are spiralling because you’re mortgage-free? Vote for us.”
Prospective homeowner Helen Archer said: “I’m still renting at the moment. But I’m voting on behalf of the spiteful little tyrant I one day hope to be.”
