All politics to focus on twats who want to buy houses

EVERY politician in Britain has decided that only dickheads yearning to get on the property ladder matter. 

Issues from rail fares to tuition fees to retirement age have all been swept aside as Labour and the Conservatives compete for the affections of jumped-up little pricks who will not be happy until they have erected a ‘No Turning’ sign in their very own drive.

Sir Keir Starmer said: “High crime? Cost of living? Can’t do business with Europe? F**k all that. Can’t buy a house? You’re our boy.

“We’re looking for the small-minded, the selfish, the people who can’t wait to put cones in their parking space. We’ll help you become the petty prick writing letters to the council about branches overhanging your conservatory you know you are inside.”

But Rishi Sunak countered: “We are the party of home ownership. We’ll build on fields and green belts until the whole of England is one horrible new-build estate, every house ten inches from its neighbour.

“What could be more Tory than mowing your own little piece of property, glaring suspiciously at anyone who dares stroll past, being delighted that interest rates are spiralling because you’re mortgage-free? Vote for us.”

Prospective homeowner Helen Archer said: “I’m still renting at the moment. But I’m voting on behalf of the spiteful little tyrant I one day hope to be.”

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Is the Coronation today? Your eight-day guide

IS this the day the Coronation happens, or is it going to drag on even f**king longer? Your invaluable eight-day guide: 


No, today is not the Coronation but an ordinary May bank holiday. Choosing to honour the King by taking part in a Green Man festival and presenting pagan gods with an animal sacrifice is optional.


No, today is not the Coronation, except on The One Show. Today should be used for preparation: buying commemorative tins of biscuits, hand-stitching flags and, if you attended a minor public school, preparing glue and paint for your ecological protest.


No, today is not the Coronation, merely the day when it becomes inescapable. Anyone suffering any life events such as the birth of a child or loss of a parent is asked to postpone their emotional reaction until the following week, in respect for the King.


No, today is not the Coronation, but Coronation Commemoration Day in which we remember the previous Coronation in 1953. Call elderly relatives and ask them to discuss it at length. Watch old footage of it. Ready yourself for the greatest day of your life.


Today is Coronation Eve, when it is mandatory to have no other thoughts than those focused on the Coronation. The BBC will help. Watch it as an empty vessel ready to be filled with glorious tradition and pageantry. Let go of everything you once were. You are a subject now.


Today is the Coronation. You are up before dawn watching preparations and drinking in hushed commentary. The event itself is more majestic than you could ever have imagined. You swear true allegiance to the King and mean every bloody word.


The crash from yesterday’s 24-hour euphoria is only cushioned by tonight’s Coronation concert featuring luminaries such as Tom Cruise, Katy Perry and public domain character Winnie the Pooh, all taking part because they believe Charles is brilliant and for no other reason. ‘Remember yesterday?’ you say nostalgically.


A day off. Gradually, you recall that you were off a week ago today and didn’t give a f**k about the Coronation then. You slowly emerge from your temporary derangement and, as after Diana died, resolve never to think about it again. Start to gear up for Eurovision.