Bare-faced lying works a treat, agrees Britain

THE whole of Britain has agreed that next time they do something wrong and there is loads of damning evidence they will simply deny it entirely.

Following Boris Johnson blatantly getting away with Partygate, the country has seen the light and realised that honesty is the worst policy and lying is far superior.

Joanna Kramer of Falkirk told her husband: “Affair? I’m not having an affair with Andy from next door. It’s irrelevant that I’m naked and he’s in me right now.

“I believed at the time that was part of the process of putting shelves up. It was a misapprehension, and I apologise. Now can we move on and deal with what really matters to this household?”

Tom Logan said to police: “I was not in the jewellers, I did not fill a bag with diamonds, the diamonds in the bag in the wardrobe are mine and I mix them in with broken glass to confuse thieves. The CCTV is fake. I am happy to complete a questionnaire.”

Across the country, people are asserting that they are in the office, they have not drained the joint savings account to buy drugs, they have no idea who crashed the car and their trousers are certainly not in a state of combustion.

Nathan Muir of Hartlepool said: “I entirely back Boris Johnson and his outstandingly talented cabinet and shall certainly vote for them in the next election. Call it in October and you’ll see how honest I am.”

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The best ways to get yourself out of the mood for sex

ARE you and your partner both in the mood to get down and dirty? Here are five excellent tips for ruining the moment before you’ve even got started:


The following topics are best avoided: the state of your relationship, the dog, China’s role in the Ukraine crisis, your bodies, the drains, your children and John Wyndham’s Day of the Triffids. Cheesy sex chat (‘You’re so big!’ etc.) is another no-no, unless you’re extremely crass. Worst of all is commenting on the fact you’re about to have spontaneous sex… not any more you’re not.


Popping off for a quick rinse is an unwelcome pause, and implies your groin is a vile cesspit. However it may be a good idea, especially with what you had in mind after watching that scene in Bridgerton together. It’s catch 22. What are you supposed to do, keep your sweaty sex parts sterile like an operating theatre all the time just in case? Come on, be realistic…


Nothing will bring things screeching to a halt like causing accidental, not-at-all-kinky pain. Pubes caught in zips aren’t great, ball sacks caught in metal zips are worse. Try headbutting a nose or even a pubic bone. The possibilities are endless and the sexytime vibes are rarely recoverable. 

Play hunt the contraception

Scrabbling around trying to find a condom really puts the handbrake on sexual activity. If you want to kill it stone dead, start a blame game about your partner not being tidy/organised enough, or indeed ‘Why don’t you just go on the pill?’ Push it enough and you may escalate an awkward moment into a full-on break up. 

Give in to distraction

If you want things to get dry and flaccid fast, finishing a household chore on your way to the bedroom should do the trick. You’ll intend to just press ‘go’ on the dishwasher, but before you know it you’ll have fed the dog and deep-cleaned the oven. When you finally arrive in the bedroom, you’ll somehow be surprised to find your partner asleep naked on the bed, the inconsiderate bastard.