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Freddie Krueger of British politics refuses to f**king die

THE fedora-wearing Freddie Krueger of British politics is back for the seventh in his hate-filled series of representations to parliament. 

The leering, malevolent character, who has been repeatedly slain but always comes back, has once again stepped straight out of the nightmares of vaguely left centrists to take a seat in a by-election.

Evil eyes glinting beneath his trademark hat, the serial villain has once again leveraged unspoken resentments and hidden hatreds to give himself power which he will use entirely for his own ends.

Political scientist Denys Finch Hatton said: “He’ll be beaten, of course. Very likely in the general election in the third act of this year. But it won’t kill him.

“Sooner or later there’ll be a by-election and he’ll pop up like he hadn’t been shot, set on fire, destroyed with holy water or exploded, blame America for everything and f**king win again.

“If Celebrity Big Brother can’t destroy you then you can’t die. We will suffer this curse unto the tenth sequel where he’ll be fighting Nigel Farage in space.”

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Six foolproof ways to be a twat in a taxi

WANT to really get on a taxi driver’s tits during the short journey from the pub to your house? Try these techniques:

Be silent

Taxi drivers have a reputation for enjoying talking bollocks, or telling you their dodgy political opinions, so you might decide to stonewall them. Completely ignore their inane banter, don’t say thank you and make sure you slam the door on the way out. Who do they think they are, a fellow human being?

Consume food or drink

Although there will be notices clearly forbidding the consumption of food and drink, disregard them and tuck in. All the better if it’s a messy kebab. If the driver threatens to chuck you out at the next corner, throw the whole thing out the window. That way you can piss off whoever’s car gets splattered with chilli sauce and shredded cabbage as well.

Get your vape out

There are no smoking signs in the car but vaping isn’t the same thing, is it? Anyway, the iced mango breeze flavour you’re breathing out smells a lot better than their disgusting pine air freshener. And so what if the car is so full of smoke the driver can’t see the mirror? He’s got two more on the outside.

Be downright abusive

The driver’s getting paid, right? Treat her the same as you would any other service worker, she’s just a waitress on wheels delivering you, after all. Patronise away, and don’t forget to mention your employment status to elevate your obnoxiousness. Hopefully she’ll find a muddy puddle to park in so your wanky office brogues get ruined.

Refuse to tip

After complaining vociferously about the cost of the journey, proudly mention that there won’t be a tip coming the driver’s way. Despite getting you to your destination in the most efficient manner possible, what else did he do? You only tip when somebody goes above and beyond. And Smooth FM isn’t to your taste, so really you should get an apology and a refund.

Vomit

The quickest way to find yourself swaying on a pavement at midnight and barred from yet another cab hire firm is to be sick all down yourself two minutes after clambering in. And don’t moan about being charged £100 cleaning fee, you’d hit the roof if someone vomited in your beloved Audi. Just pay up and stop being such a bellend.

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