Half a lager and in bed by 10pm: Rishi Sunak's guide to enjoying a party

RISHI Sunak recently revealed he has never taken drugs and thinks they’re ‘horrific’. Here’s his guide to sensibly enjoying yourself at a party.

Arrive promptly

I like parties that begin on time which is why I arrive promptly, or 45 minutes early. The hosts have to put up with me sitting awkwardly in a corner while they dry their hair and take vol-au-vents out of the oven, but hearing them mutter ‘F**king Rishi’s early again’ means you can also leave early after experiencing a sufficient amount of fun.

Accept one small drink

I’d rather not drink at all, as alcohol is a gateway drug to all kinds of dangerous substances such as ‘horse’ (that’s heroin), but people seem to expect it at parties so I acquiesce and have one. I ask for half a lager and then say ‘Actually, could you make it a shandy?’ Then I pour it in a pot plant when their back is turned. I’m nothing if not polite.

Insist on parlour games

If people are allowed to mill around in an unstructured fashion indiscriminately pouring booze down their necks, they may become worryingly tipsy. To stop this happening, I suggest a good old fashioned parlour game. Everyone loves organised fun and it’s surprisingly hard to chug beer when you’re playing musical chairs.

Ask people if they think they’ve had enough

People get carried away at parties, so it’s important that someone remains sober and enquires on a regular basis if people think they’ve had enough. Weirdly this hasn’t won me many friends, especially not at the Number 10 lockdown parties. Michael Gove is especially sensitive to being asked, but when someone needs to go to the toilet that many times, they should really cut down on the liquids.

Leave before things get out of hand

You know the saying: when the fun stops, stop. For me the fun never starts, unless I’m cutting Universal Credit, so I’ll usually leave a party after an hour at the most. Then it’s home for a cup of hot water and bed by 10pm. No, I never touch Horlicks. It has something in it that makes you sleepy, which in my book makes it a mind-altering drug. Horrific.

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Six heatwave warnings that are bullshit if you ask me. By a teenage dickhead

By Ryan Whittaker

PEOPLE talk some shit about the hot weather. I mean, who’s ever injured themselves jumping off a cliff? Water’s really soft. Here’s more stuff they’re just trying to scare you with.

Broken glass can start a fire

You what? Apparently it focuses the sun’s rays and sets fire to dry grass. So why don’t we cook ready meals in a big bottle? It’s just the scientists messing with us again, like when they say ghosts aren’t real. How d’you explain noises in old houses then?

You shouldn’t water your lawn

This warning can f**k right off. It’ll rain and fill up the reservoirs again soon. It always does. Not that I care about lawns, it’s old people shit my dad’s into, like Blur. I won’t have a lawn when my rap career takes off, I’ll live in a luxury penthouse. You won’t find me emptying grass cuttings when I could be partying with fine-ass bitches.

There’s a risk of becoming dehydrated

Everyone drinks stuff. Are you telling me there’s people who can’t afford a can of Monster? What sort of massive pov would you have to be? Listen bruv, some of us have got a bullshit detector, and mine’s going off right now.

Don’t leave your dog in a hot car

Dogs sweat through their tongue, so they’ll be fine so long as their mouth is open. I looked it up on Google. Also there are no recorded cases of a dog melting. It just doesn’t happen. There’s no point trying to scare me with this dog bullshit because I have mad intelligence skillz.

Don’t exercise during the hottest part of the day

I gotta stay buff, so I’m not giving up my mixed martial arts exercises in my bedroom. If it’s really stuffy that’s just like endurance training, right? And what’s more dangerous, getting a bit hot, or being out of shape when you’re jumped by another crew? 

Avoid excess alcohol

So drink lots of liquids, but don’t drink Scrumpy Jack on the swings in the playground? How can we trust experts when they keep contradicting themselves? It’s like our teacher Mr Galbraith who said ‘potassium’ when he meant ‘magnesium’, and pretended it was a ‘slip of the tongue’. He obviously doesn’t know shit and should be struck off.