RISHI Sunak recently revealed he has never taken drugs and thinks they’re ‘horrific’. Here’s his guide to sensibly enjoying yourself at a party.
I like parties that begin on time which is why I arrive promptly, or 45 minutes early. The hosts have to put up with me sitting awkwardly in a corner while they dry their hair and take vol-au-vents out of the oven, but hearing them mutter ‘F**king Rishi’s early again’ means you can also leave early after experiencing a sufficient amount of fun.
Accept one small drink
I’d rather not drink at all, as alcohol is a gateway drug to all kinds of dangerous substances such as ‘horse’ (that’s heroin), but people seem to expect it at parties so I acquiesce and have one. I ask for half a lager and then say ‘Actually, could you make it a shandy?’ Then I pour it in a pot plant when their back is turned. I’m nothing if not polite.
Insist on parlour games
If people are allowed to mill around in an unstructured fashion indiscriminately pouring booze down their necks, they may become worryingly tipsy. To stop this happening, I suggest a good old fashioned parlour game. Everyone loves organised fun and it’s surprisingly hard to chug beer when you’re playing musical chairs.
Ask people if they think they’ve had enough
People get carried away at parties, so it’s important that someone remains sober and enquires on a regular basis if people think they’ve had enough. Weirdly this hasn’t won me many friends, especially not at the Number 10 lockdown parties. Michael Gove is especially sensitive to being asked, but when someone needs to go to the toilet that many times, they should really cut down on the liquids.
Leave before things get out of hand
You know the saying: when the fun stops, stop. For me the fun never starts, unless I’m cutting Universal Credit, so I’ll usually leave a party after an hour at the most. Then it’s home for a cup of hot water and bed by 10pm. No, I never touch Horlicks. It has something in it that makes you sleepy, which in my book makes it a mind-altering drug. Horrific.