Has the government lost the vital support of 70s soft rockers? We find out

THE Tories have lost Rod Stewart, but does that mean it’s all over for them in the crucial 1970s soft-rocker demographic? We asked the greats.

Elton John, hits include Goodbye Yellow Brick Road and Your Song

“The Tories are a busted flush. Even Rod can see it, and he’s not given a bugger about much more than Celtic and getting his end away in 50 years. They’ve cocked up Brexit and there’s not a cabinet minister you’d trust to make a f**king sandwich.”

Verdict: General election now

Billy Joel, hits include Piano Man and It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me

“I haven’t released an album since 1993, and the so-called natural party of government haven’t had a new idea since then. These are the last days of John Major on fast-forward with a new scandal every week. Get rid.”

Verdict: Quit now to save the party

Dr Hook, hits include When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman and A Little Bit More

“What does Billy f**king Joel know about anything? He sits in his Long Island mansion thinking he’s got some special insight into UK politics? Piss off. As far as we’re concerned Rishi Sunak’s doing an excellent job righting the ship of state and returning to traditional Conservative values.”

Verdict: Everything’s fine

The Alan Parsons Project, hits include Games People Play and Eye In the Sky

“I would characterise Dr Hook as more a novelty act than soft-rockers. Regardless, following the disaster of Liz Truss’s time in power the government needed a hard relaunch and didn’t get it. The public’s mind is made up and they should have a chance to vote.”

Verdict: General election in 2023

Leo Sayer, hits include One Man Band and When I Need You

“The Alan Parsons Project didn’t score a single top 20 hit in Britain. Just saying. Anyway, Sunak has both a majority and a mandate to turn things around. He’s in for two years so we should stop talking Britain down and give him a chance. And I agree, Billy Joel can go f**k himself.”

Verdict: Wait and see

10cc, hits include I’m Not In Love and Dreadlock Holiday

“It’s Rod Stewart that kicked up all this shit, him and his Happy Shopper copper wife filling in f**king potholes like he’s some paragon of civic responsibility. What, you really think Keir Starmer’s so much better? His signature policy is ‘don’t know’. Anyway, it’s irrelevant because nobody here can vote in British elections because we all live in LA. It’s just sunnier.”

Verdict: 70s soft rockers are unlikely to have any impact on the governance of Britain

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Man apologises to girlfriend for unspecified thing he did wrong

A MAN has made a heartfelt apology to his partner for callously doing something he has no memory or understanding of. 

Stephen Malley repeatedly expressed his regret to sullen girlfriend Donna Sheridan despite her refusal to give him any clues as to the time, place or nature of the unforgivable thing he did.

Malley said: “Donna seemed fine when I walked in from work, but within minutes she was only communicating in grunts or hostile silence.

“I asked her what she was upset about and she replied ‘If you don’t know, I’m not going to spell it out for you’. That didn’t help much, but obviously that’s my fault.

“I even told her how nice her new hairstyle looked as soon as I’d taken my coat off and sat down, but all I got was a ‘Hmmph!’ and a toss of the head. 

“Did I accidentally run over the cat? I hope not. I haven’t been cheating on her, because you’d probably remember the sex and whatnot. All I could do was promise it will never happen again. If I ever find out what it is.”

Sheridan said: “90 quid I spent on these highlights. 90 f**king quid. It was a good five minutes before he noticed and bothered to compliment me, the selfish bastard.

“If he thinks he’s getting any this weekend he’s pissing well dreaming.”