LOOKING for a parcel that’s allegedly arrived? Don’t worry. I, your humble and innovative delivery driver, have left it in one of these clever places.

Under your doormat

Wasn’t this a great choice for a thin, letter-like delivery? Shame it’s your new hoover I’ve comically attempted to hide under two centimetres of fuzz instead. But like a toddler who hasn’t yet developed object permanence, I can’t really tell the difference.

In a bush

Foliage has long been used for hiding both things and people. That’s why I thrust your precious goods into the epicentre of the world’s thorniest bush. You’ll need either a qualification in tree surgery or some delusional Disney prince-style heroics to reach it, but I know you love a challenge!

With a neighbour you’ve never met in a different street

I’ve really done well with this one – your delivery is inside and protected from all the elements. You may have to encounter a tiny bit of stranger danger when retrieving it, but with luck that neighbour isn’t the one responsible for all those missing cats, so you’ll just have to endure the mild peril of tedious small talk.

In your bin

Very few enterprising thieves will look in this spot, and the smelly goo will hide it even more, so it’s extra safe here. There’s a slight chance it could be bin day when I deliver and the parcel could get taken away with the rubbish, but just think of it as extremely preemptive recycling. You are such an eco warrior!

On the roof

You might think anyone can get this job, but we train for it like the Olympics. That’s the only explanation for how I’ve managed to slingshot your new headphones two storeys up and next to your chimney. I should get a gold medal. You should get a ladder.

Honestly, who knows?

I’ve sent a picture, but it’s so blurry it could be anywhere, or anything! It might not even be your item, but instead a different kind of package and I’m actually sexually harassing you. Just kidding! But I am helping keep your brain active by giving you these puzzles. What would you do without me? Get dementia in later life, that’s what!