Idea of young people getting shot wins over elderly voter

A PENSIONER who was unsure if he was going to vote Conservative has been won over by the prospect of young people getting riddled with bullets.

76-year-old Roy Hobbs was considering sitting this election out until the Conservatives launched a policy which appeals to both his sentimental nostalgia for the past and his desire for teenagers to be blasted to bits with guns.

He said: “Mandatory national service? An emphasis on funnelling young people into the military? Hand me my ballot paper now, I’m ready to vote for Rishi.

“I don’t know why they’re bothering with the Triple Lock Plus pension to be honest. They had me at ‘we will force kids to undergo a hardship which you never had to endure yet still feel weirdly proud about.’ They didn’t need to say anything else.

“It probably won’t be boring national service either like polishing tanks or aimlessly marching around airfields. The world’s on a knife edge at the minute so there’s a real chance they could be sent off to an actual war in wholesale numbers. Fingers crossed!

“The only way it could be improved is if it was slightly racist in some way. Although I’m sure Reform UK is working on that in an effort to steal my vote.”

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It's a privilege to let me pass, explains SUV driver

A WOMAN passing in a f**k off massive car does not need to thank you because your car is smaller and therefore utterly insignificant.

Carolyn Ryan has no intention of giving you a friendly wave for waiting for her to drive by despite already indicating to pull out, as her Audi Q7 makes her a superior type of human.

Ryan said: “These normal people must be so overawed to see such a big car in their little neighbourhood. I’m basically a celebrity, gracing them with my presence on their tiny narrow road lined with pitiful, normal-sized cars.

“Being the subject of such adulation means I can do whatever I want, such as charging down the street doing 40 in a 20 zone, or parking on that corner with the double yellow lines by the school. It’s a kind of a VIP package.

“Yes, people are getting their gateposts knocked down when I’m casually turning around with no apparent skill, but they understand when it’s such an amazing car.

“It’s hard to see through my sunglasses and the tinted windows but drivers who have stopped for me do often gesticulate and shout something indistinct as I pass. They’re no doubt giving me a compliment, but I don’t bother to find out.”

Peugeot driver Emma Bradford said: “Anyone who drives a 4×4 in a residential area is an inherent bellend. I’m sorry, but it’s true.”