KEIR Starmer has resigned from Parliament after realising his toolmaker father spent his childhood crafting one perfect tool, and that he is it. 

The former prime minister, thought to be the first to lose office simply because everyone despised him, has resigned as an MP after taking a long look in the mirror and finally understanding the joke was on him.

He continued: “I boasted, on the campaign trail, of my toolmaker father. I believed it made me special. Tragically, I was right.

“Toolmaking was his life, his obsession, and the reason he became a father. Slowly, over decades, he sculpted the ultimate tool. A tool with a singular purpose.

“Yes, I was made for the eventuality the Labour party fell into socialist hands. He even named me Keir as a ruse. And having hammered my way into power I prised it away from the left, stripped back the anti-Semitism and whittled it into electability.

“Sadly I failed to realise my purpose was complete and hung around like a weird IKEA screwdriver once the flat-pack is built. So it is for me to consign myself to the garage drawer where I will spend my remaining days.”

He added: “Sorry, everyone. You even hate me for saying that, don’t you?”