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Our policies will have to be even more bollocks to distract from this, says Reform

REFORM are making the policies at today’s party conference 45 per cent more bollocks to distract from an expose of illegal funding.

Preposterous, unworkable policies like MPs working seven-day weeks and declaring a national emergency on their first day in office are no longer sufficient to dazzle the media, with aides working overtime to make them even more ludicrous.

An insider said: “When you’re already claiming you’re going to cut benefit for Reform-supporting benefits claimants by £80 billion, that’s not easy. But we’ve found a way.

“Jenrick’s now going to take the stage promising to cut benefits by £665 billion – double the annual benefits bill – which will save so much money we can afford handouts to every man, woman and Reform-supporting joyriding 10-year-old in the country.

“Braverman’s following that up with the claim that Nigel, through the sheer power of his patriotism, can control the tides and repel all boats to France without a shot being fired.

“Zia Yusuf will pledge to personally fight in the playground any teacher who fails a white child while passing a brown one, and all energy will be free. How? Because it comes from the ground!

“What was that ker-ching noise? Ah f**k, another £6 million in crypto donations has come in. Okay lads, now they’ve got to be 75 per cent more bollocks.”

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How to take your Welshness to the next level, with Michael Sheen

ACTOR Michael Sheen wants the Royals to stop using the title ‘Prince of Wales’, and he certainly takes his Welsh identity seriously. Here he gives his advice on how to boost your Welshness.

Oppose Royal Welsh titles

Calling Wills the ‘Prince of Wales’ suggests he’s in charge of Wales, which he isn’t, and the incumbent hasn’t been Welsh since 1282, so start a campaign against it. Opposing medieval Royal bullshit people take about as seriously as Shrek is definitely a good use of your time.

Reconsider your stance on sheep

There is absolutely no evidence that the Welsh have ever engaged in bestiality with sheep at a higher rate than any other rural population. However centuries of xenophobic slurs and playground jokes mean that it is actually part of the Welsh national identity now, so you have to start doing it. I find Black Welsh Mountain sheep to be the most generous lovers.

Speak Welsh at all times

Learn Welsh and use it as your first language even if you live in England or Scotland. The next time you speak to your dentist, say: ‘Hoffwn i archebu apwyntiad gyda’r hylenydd, os gwelwch yn dda.’ If they don’t understand your polite request to see the hygienist, it’s racism.

Welshmaxx your diet

It’s easy to eat classic dishes like Welsh rarebit, but you should strive to cram as much Welshness into every meal as possible. I like to stuff a Bara Brith fruit loaf with lamb chops and boiled leeks and serve it with melted cheese and Worcestershire sauce on a bed of Llandudno candyfloss. Delicious, I tell myself as I’m bent over the toilet.

Learn boring and obscure history

Anyone passionate about their national identity should look up obscure historical figures and be furious about their lack of recognition. Figures like the unsung Welsh hero Robert Recorde, who invented the ‘=’ sign in 1557. Without him we wouldn’t be able to do maths and there wouldn’t be a calculator app on your computer – you’d have to use an abacus.

Take up rugby union 

It’s time to ditch your fitness regime of jogging or a regular swim and join a rugby union club full of enormous men who will snap you like a twig. Your injuries will be horrific, you’ll hate every second of singing misogynistic rugby songs, and even your fellow players will beg you to stop before you get killed, but it’s worth it for all the Welshness. 

Become a Welsh actor 

There’s nothing more Welsh than being a legendary actor like Richard Burton or Anthony Hopkins, and I myself have had a wonderful life making critically acclaimed films like Tron: Legacy and Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. I only hope that one day I can play the role every Welsh actor dreams of: Ivor the Engine.

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