Brexit celebrations going to be a little bit racist, admit Brexiters

MOST of the Brexit celebrations planned for Friday will be xenophobic bordering on actually racist, Leave voters have admitted.

Events to be held up and down the country are likely not to focus on international trade agreements but hostility to foreigners and re-enactments of World War II.

Leaver Norman Steele said: “Yeah, in theory we’re celebrating positive things like building a new, self-confident Britain, but in practice more of us got excited about dressing a mannequin up like a Spaniard and smashing it up with cricket bats.

“If anyone brings any foreign food or drink it’s going in the bin, and I’ll probably entertain guests with quips like ‘If there’s any French froggy b*stards here, they can hop off’. It’s not threatening because it’s banter.”

Donna Sheridan said: “I’m having a party and decorating the living room with dozens of golliwogs, which you weren’t allowed to do when we were in the EU but it’s fine now.

“Nothing says freedom like a dated caricature of an American negro dressed as a minstrel. I might dress as one myself.”

Meanwhile locals from the village of Dentford in Essex confirmed that plans to burn a 20-foot effigy of Michel Barnier wearing an SS uniform were ‘just a bit of fun for the kids’.

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How are you spunking away the last days of humanity?

THE coronavirus will soon reduce humanity to a tattered handful of survivors. But how will you waste your final days? 

Watching Love Island

What better distraction, as carts collect the dead and civilisation gasps its last, than hunks and babes in a Cape Town villa making sweet love to each other as the bell tolls? The last couple on Love Island might be the last on Earth. And worthy winners.

Apocalypse prep

You’ve been waiting for this moment all your life. Hoard food, build a roadblock on your street, get your crossbow out and weld spikes to your 2012 Kia Sportage. Then die because someone coughed on you while you were buying three pallets of tinned tuna at Makro.

Arguing about whose fault it is

There’s no need to abandon division and hatred just because we’re all going to end up in the same plague pit. Get out there and blame Corbyn, the Tories, Trump, millennial snowflakes, angry old racists, immigrants, the EU, JK Rowling or whoever else you don’t like. Die angry.


Daniel Defoe wrote A Journal of the Plague Year, so why shouldn’t you follow in his footsteps by live-tweeting your symptoms to your 112 followers? Take regular selfies, start hashtags and get retweeted by a dying Piers Morgan. Result.

Cataloguing your Funko Pop! collection

Those few with a natural immunity to the coronavirus will have to reconstruct human society from what remains. First agriculture, then the basics of science, but after that they’ll want to rebuild our rich culture using big-headed vinyl dolls. And you have the shiny Ghost Rider.

Messing about on your phone

Be true to yourself and die as you lived; killing time messing around on your phone while idly thinking that really you should do something but you’re not sure what. Die leaving your final game of Candy Crush Saga unfinished.