Cameron Foetus Will Wreck Recovery, Says Brown

THE tiny foetus growing inside the wife of Tory leader David Cameron will slash front line services and wreck Britain's fragile economic recovery, the prime minister claimed last night.

Gordon Brown said the recently fertilised egg would decimate health and education budgets, put thousands on the dole and that if you looked at it under a microscope you would see a really, really small version of Norman Tebbit.

He added: "People need to take a long hard look at this foetus and ask themselves – 'has it really changed very much in the last three or four days?'"

Labour campaign organisers were in confident mood last night insisting voters would be unimpressed by the sight of the pathetically energetic Tory leader and his horribly glowing wife alongside three hard working former cabinet ministers and a prime minister who is getting on with the job of asking for more money from the same passionate and determined trade unions that are trying to bring the country to its knees.

But while Mr Brown attacked the foetus over economic policy, sources say that privately he believes it is the co-ordinator of a new Blairite plot that includes former home secretary Charles Clarke, model Sophie Dahl and Hollywood actor Tobey Maguire who, he believes, has always resented him for being a much better Spiderman.

Meanwhile key Labour advisers including Charlie Whelan and Alistair Campbell have suggested the foetus is trying to conceal its non-domiciled tax status and secretly harbours extreme right wing views on issues like abortion and stem cell research.

Last night a Conservative spokesman stressed the pregnancy had not been timed to coincide with the election campaign and said that if the baby was a boy it would be called Winston Queen Mother Yorkshire Pudding Cameron.

He added: "And if it's a girl they're going to call it Attenborough Pizza Express Kaplinsky.

"It's a family name actually, so shut it."


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Howard Webb Employed As Anti Lie-Detector

REFEREE Howard Webb is to be used by police by ignoring his opinion on everything.

Following his performance in yesterday's Manchester United v Liverpool match, detectives have decided that Webb could be reliably wrong about any given situation he was presented with.

He will be asked to read the alibis of suspected murderers and if he says their story sounds feasible, they will be arrested immediately.

Chief Inspector Norman Steele said: "We showed Mr Webb photos of OJ Simpson and he asked whether he could introduce him to his sister.

"While this was going on, the radio was playing Robbie Williams' latest single in the background and he remarked how catchy it was. He is perfectly wrong about everything."

City workers are also said to be interested in Webb's negative predictive capabilities, with one investment bank hoping to link their traders' portfolios directly to his opinions.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "How could it possibly be worse than any of the other methods we use?"

Webb became a referee after his investments in Betamax video and Will Mellor's pop career foundered, while his progress in Sunday League football got off to a shaky start as he would invariably arrive at Hackney Marshes on a Saturday and book everyone on both teams for bringing the game into disrepute by not turning up.

But his rise to Premiership status was due to a loophole in clause five, paragraph 14, subsection three of the Football Association's refereeing code which states that a twat can do it.

But Liverpool coach Rafael Benitez admitted that United should have been awarded a controversial penalty, adding: "On the last Sunday of every eighth March, Sagazan the Unfathomable must be appeased with a penalty for an event that occurred well outside the area.

"I remember seeing Howard award one for an illegal kickoff in the central circle once."

He insisted: "Oh, don't worry, I am vaguely aware of just how bat-stranglingly mental I am, but you've really got to tip your cheese hat to somebody at his level of wrong."