Clegg book stuns with revelation that Gove and Osborne are twats

NICK Clegg’s memoir has left the nation reeling with the revelation that Gove and Osborne are a pair of twats.

Britons fear their minds may explode while reading Clegg’s book Politics: Between The Extremes because of its shocking claims about their most beloved political heroes.

After reading an excerpt in the Guardian, teacher Mary Fisher said: “Michael Gove has always been a hero of mine, as well as representing the ultimate sexual prize. However Clegg’s book portrays him as a duplicitous little arse.

“Apparently Osborne and Cameron were twats too. That’s more mental than all the Matrix films combined.

“This literary dynamite should have a sticker on it saying ‘Warning: Contains truth bombs’.”

She added: “Nick Clegg really is the foremost political insider of our times, even if nobody ever invited him to meetings or even included him in the Costa run.”

Meanwhile charity shops have already warned that they cannot accept copies of the book, which has yet to be published.

An Oxfam spokesman said: “I predict a few hundred of these might turn up on a lorry. The answer is no.”


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Couple certain they are better than all other couples

TWO people in a relationship are convinced that they are the best couple.

Tom Booker and Eleanor Shaw firmly believe they have better ‘date nights’, better holidays and a better social media presence than all other couples.

Shaw said: “We never row except when Tom does something I don’t like, and he’s learning not to do that.

“We share everything – our hopes, our dreams, our status updates. Last night we both dreamed about the same salad.

“Despite being deeply in love we are still edgy, and our beautiful flat is decorated with Banksy pictures printed onto canvas, so you still get that cool urban feel amid all the embroidered cushions. It’s the perfect balance.”

The couple bonded at work after realising they were the best salespeople on their team.

Booker said: “We both understand that relationships take patience, understanding and a lot of compromise. Luckily we’re really good at all those things too.

“It just works. And when it doesn’t, I go and sit in the car and scream.”