Corbyn under pressure to remove head from arse

JEREMY Corbyn is under increasing pressure to remove his head from his rectum and do something about Brexit.

Campaigners for a second referendum fear the Labour leader may not be fully aware of the risks facing the UK from within the enclosed space of his own anal cavity.

Remainer Donna Sheridan said: “You can’t follow complex issues like the Irish border and leaving the customs union with your head inside your anus.

“Sure, your own arse is a safe, comforting place to be, but how are you meant to judge the public mood? Unless he’s got a TV up there too, which would be incredibly painful.”

However Momentum member Tom Logan said: “Jeremy’s insertion of his head into his own bunghole just shows how incredibly self-sacrificing and principled he is. He’s a man of his own anus.”

With Brexit rapidly approaching, some Labour party members now want a vote on forcibly removing Corbyn’s head with a shoe horn and some Vaseline.

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Breakfast in bed just a massive pain in the arse

HAVING breakfast in bed is not actually enjoyable and just involves lots of discomfort and mess, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that a successful breakfast in bed is merely a popular myth with no more basis in reality than fairies, vampires or Atlantis.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “First there’s the hassle of cooking it. By the time you’ve prepared all the stuff like sausages and toast you’re wide awake and may as well just get up.

“Then there’s the problem of eating while propped up awkwardly in bed. Any enjoyment of the food is completely negated by the stress of trying not to drip egg yolk everywhere.

“Of most concern are the baked beans, which will escape from your plate with more determination than the inmates of Colditz.

“My advice is to either go back to sleep or get up and have a civilised meal using a popular food consumption device known as a ‘table’.”

Office manager Tom Logan said: “I didn’t enjoy breakfast in bed because I couldn’t get comfy and my wife was livid when I dropped a greasy sausage on the Laura Ashley duvet.

“That opened the floodgates about all the problems in our marriage and now we’re getting divorced. I knew we should have had croissants.”