Five ways to say 'I told you so' while being a passive-aggressive dick about it

NOBODY likes to hear ‘I told you so’, but everyone loves finding a way to say it. Here’s five particularly dickish ways to say ‘I told you so’ without using the actual words:

‘I thought this might happen’
The perfect way to let everyone know that you saw a disaster coming, could have averted it, didn’t and now expect recognition of your prescient wisdom.

‘I’m not going to say it’
Conveys that you are thinking the words ‘I told you so’ and even putting them in others’ minds, but just stops short of actually saying it. Which is even worse.

‘It’s a lesson for next time’
And that lesson is ‘Next time listen to me, you useless twat. I’m not eye-rolling for nothing over here’.

‘If only someone had said something’
Somebody did say something. You did. But this way you get to look gracious enough not to take credit while still patting yourself on the back.

Heavy sigh
Pure judgement – no words needed. The message will be clearly received and if it’s not, you’ve always got more sighs in the sigh-bank. Try teaming it with a long, ruminative shake of the head, like an absolute dick.

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Parents desperate for daughter to settle down into marriage as annoying as theirs

TWO loving parents cannot rest until their daughter finds a man who can make her as smug and unbearable as they are.

Wayne and Sharon Hayes have selflessly dedicated themselves to pushing daughter Kelly into a marriage which is as irritating as their own blessed, maddening union.

Sharon said: “Nobody can stand to be around me and Wayne. It breaks my heart to think of Kelly not having that.

“If she wants to be constantly taking out decades of pent-up resentment and frustration out on others like we do, she needs to start early or she simply won’t have time.

“So sad for her to be travelling the world, going out partying and progressing in her career, all just to compensate for never having found someone who really grinds her down.

“I just wish she could find the right infuriating twat to marry, bicker all the time with and grow old, miserable and judgemental with. Is that too much to ask?”

Daughter Kelly said: “While I do envy my settled friends who have blistering rows and ruin all our parties, I don’t know if I’m there just yet.”