Donald Trump's six-step plan to how Brexit should have been done

BREXIT deal? I would have got the best deal in 20 minutes, maximum. Here’s how it should have been done: 

1: Tell the EU no. Straight no. When they try to speak, clarify: ‘Absolutely no way.’ When they try to speak again, get up and leave the negotiating table. Now you have the upper hand.

2: Hold a series of rallies around the country. Promise the crowds that we are going to leave the EU, and the EU are going to pay for it. Get them chanting ‘Brex-it! Brex-it! Brexi-it!’ Call yourself Mr Brexit.

3: Dismiss any difficulties with Brexit – the Irish backstop, the customs union, economic forecasts – as ‘fake news’. If they are brought up again, dismiss them as ‘FAKE NEWS!!!’

4: Single out an actor or TV personality, for example Delia Smith, who is against Brexit. Embark upon a 2am eight-part Twitter attack on her failing TV ratings, unpopular cookbooks, loser football club and mumsy hair.

5: Invite a right-wing ethno-nationalist leader from Eastern Europe who agrees with you to Downing Street. Ignore the fact that they have voted in a bloc with other EU leaders and be pictured agreeing with them on a golf course.

6: That’s it, Brexit is complete as far as you’re concerned. Ignore anything the EU says to the contrary. Run for re-election as ‘the guy who brought you Brexit’. Win.

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Married couple can't remember last time they had threesome

A COUPLE who have been married for five years are struggling to remember when they were last intimate with a third person.

Tom and Jenny Logan of Bristol have been so busy with their children and careers that they admit they have let their passion for troilism fall by the wayside.

Jenny said: “I guess we’ve stopped making intimacy with a third person a priority. It’s a shame, and it makes me feel sad about our marriage.

“We always told each other that no matter how busy we were we’d still find time to go out trawling bars for strangers who were up for a bit of three-way action. What happened?”

Tom agreed: “Maybe it’ll take some of the spontaneity out of it, but I think once a month we should schedule a date night, contact one of our guest players at least a fortnight in advance and book places and times etcetera.

“Otherwise it’ll be like last time and we’ll end up lonely in a hotel room making love to nobody but each other.”