BREXIT deal? I would have got the best deal in 20 minutes, maximum. Here’s how it should have been done:
1: Tell the EU no. Straight no. When they try to speak, clarify: ‘Absolutely no way.’ When they try to speak again, get up and leave the negotiating table. Now you have the upper hand.
2: Hold a series of rallies around the country. Promise the crowds that we are going to leave the EU, and the EU are going to pay for it. Get them chanting ‘Brex-it! Brex-it! Brexi-it!’ Call yourself Mr Brexit.
3: Dismiss any difficulties with Brexit – the Irish backstop, the customs union, economic forecasts – as ‘fake news’. If they are brought up again, dismiss them as ‘FAKE NEWS!!!’
4: Single out an actor or TV personality, for example Delia Smith, who is against Brexit. Embark upon a 2am eight-part Twitter attack on her failing TV ratings, unpopular cookbooks, loser football club and mumsy hair.
5: Invite a right-wing ethno-nationalist leader from Eastern Europe who agrees with you to Downing Street. Ignore the fact that they have voted in a bloc with other EU leaders and be pictured agreeing with them on a golf course.
6: That’s it, Brexit is complete as far as you’re concerned. Ignore anything the EU says to the contrary. Run for re-election as ‘the guy who brought you Brexit’. Win.