Donald Trump’s six-step plan to how Brexit should have been done
I TOLD Theresa May how Brexit should be done, but she decided to go another way. The wrong way, because it wasn’t the Trump way. Here’s how it should have been done:
1: Tell the EU no. Straight no. When they try to speak, clarify: ‘Absolutely no way.’ When they try to speak again, get up and leave the negotiating table. Now you have the upper hand.
2: Hold a series of rallies around the country. Promise the crowds that we are going to leave the EU, and the EU are going to pay for it. Get them chanting ‘Brex-it! Brex-it! Brexi-it!’ Call yourself Mr Brexit.
3: Dismiss any difficulties with Brexit – the Irish backstop, the customs union, economic forecasts – as ‘fake news’. If they are brought up again, dismiss them as ‘FAKE NEWS!!!’
4: Single out an actor or TV personality, for example Delia Smith, who is against Brexit. Embark upon a 2am eight-part Twitter attack on her failing TV ratings, unpopular cookbooks, loser football club and mumsy hair.
5: Invite a right-wing ethno-nationalist leader from Eastern Europe who agrees with you to Downing Street. Ignore the fact that they have voted in a bloc with other EU leaders and be pictured agreeing with them on a golf course.
6: That’s it, Brexit is complete as far as you’re concerned. Ignore anything the EU says to the contrary. Run for re-election as ‘the guy who brought you Brexit’. Win.