Of course we want the dessert menu, says anyone in right mind

RESTAURANT customers have told waiters not to waste their time asking if they would like to see the dessert menu because the answer is always yes. 

Diners have pointed out that they are clearly greedy bastards or they would not be eating out in the first place so it can be safely assumed that the answer to ‘Want a big fat cake?’ will be in the affirmative.

Roy Hobbs of Wrexham said: “You think I want to walk out of a restaurant with a savoury taste lingering in my mouth? Why, for f*ck’s sake?

“Call it dessert, pudding, sweet or whatever else suits but bring me a menu filled with butter, sugar, chocolate and cream without delay. Have a few fruit ones if you like. We won’t choose them.”

Emma Bradford agreed: “It should be one of those things where they do it by default unless you opt out, like organ donation. It’s of equal importance.

“Gorging on creme bruleé, brownies and salted caramel tarts is a right, not a privilege.

“The dessert ordering experience needs to be reframed so that deniers are forced to see their behaviour for what it is – antisocial and fundamentally against nature.”

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Parents reassure themselves their children won't want to play with them forever

A COUPLE with young children are comforting themselves that one day their kids will not even want to be in the same room as them. 

Stephen and Louise Malley, who have two beautiful boys under five, spend hours engaged in imaginative play with them but are getting through it by promising each other it will one day be over.

Stephen said: “These days won’t last forever. And when I’m crammed into a playhouse castle pretending to eat worms, that thought’s in the forefront of my mind.

“The magic of childhood is all very well, but I’m forty-three and I want to sit on a chair.”

Louise agreed: “I’ve resigned myself to seven more years of this and then, fingers crossed, it’ll be Xboxes and smartphones until they leave home.

“I can’t wait for the moment one of them slams a door in my face or stops speaking to me for a month because I suggest he does his homework.

“Sometimes in the evenings we watch Toy Story 3 and weep at the bit where Andy’s grown up and doesn’t need Woody and Buzz any more. One day, please God, that’ll be us.”