Is cricket the greatest sport ever or are you just watching it p*ssed?

CRICKET: it dates back to 1598, it goes on for days and despite most of the world having no interest England still never wins. 

But is it the greatest sport ever or are you already drunk by 10am? Find out:

Is cricket really better than football? 

A) Football is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans, while cricket is a gentlemen’s game played by gentlemen. With no hooligans involved. Hold on, I’m throwing a can of Red Stripe at the umpire.
B) Football is fun, but there’s a limit to how drunk you can get in 90 minutes. With cricket you can really make your buzz last.

What about tennis? 

A) Women play tennis. They’re even good at it. Therefore it can’t properly be considered a sport.
B) Tennis does go on, I’ll give you that, but ever tried to get properly hammered on Pimm’s? Even swigging it neat from the bottle falls short.

Can’t cricket’s rules be hard for the layman to follow? 

A) Don’t see why, it’s perfectly simple. There’s innings, and overs, and leg-before-wicket, and hang on, let me Google it. Sorry, I’m smashed.
B) The great thing about cricket is you don’t have to bother about the rules because the umpire does all that. Round of shorts?

Is there a finer way for an Englishman to spend a sunny day than watching a game of cricket?

A) Not now the Empire’s gone, no. Double gin please.
B) I’m sorry, I’m too drunk to understand the question. You see, the cricket’s on.


Mostly As: Congratulations, you labour under the wild delusion that cricket is somehow superior to all other sports. And are drunk.

Mostly Bs: Well done for recognising cricket as nothing more than an excuse to get wrecked all day. Oblivion is your reward.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Northerner horrified after DNA results show he is 35 per cent Cotswolds

A PROUD Northerner is wondering how to tell his family after receiving a DNA test showing that a third of his genetic material is from the Cotswolds. 

Roy Hobbs of Bolton took the test expecting to receive confirmation that his genetic ethnicity was thoroughly northern going back at least 20 generations, but has been left shattered by the results.

He said: “Who am I now? What happens? Why would God do this to me?

“I wasn’t even sure where the Cotswolds was, because why would I need to know where anything down south is, but it’s properly south. Deep south. Apparently Londoners go there for their fancy airy-fairy mini-breaks.

“There’s no way I can be from the Cotswolds. I drink John Smiths bitter. I love Oasis, the Stone Roses, even the bloody Charlatans. I have mushy peas with my pie.

“Have I been wearing my flat cap in an affected, pheasant-shooting way all this time? Do I have to start watching rugby union? Will I start saying ‘baaath’?”

Hobbs added: “I’d always wondered why sometimes, when it rained, I didn’t want to go out in it. I suppose now I know.”