CRICKET: it dates back to 1598, it goes on for days and despite most of the world having no interest England still never wins.
But is it the greatest sport ever or are you already drunk by 10am? Find out:
Is cricket really better than football?
A) Football is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans, while cricket is a gentlemen’s game played by gentlemen. With no hooligans involved. Hold on, I’m throwing a can of Red Stripe at the umpire.
B) Football is fun, but there’s a limit to how drunk you can get in 90 minutes. With cricket you can really make your buzz last.
What about tennis?
A) Women play tennis. They’re even good at it. Therefore it can’t properly be considered a sport.
B) Tennis does go on, I’ll give you that, but ever tried to get properly hammered on Pimm’s? Even swigging it neat from the bottle falls short.
Can’t cricket’s rules be hard for the layman to follow?
A) Don’t see why, it’s perfectly simple. There’s innings, and overs, and leg-before-wicket, and hang on, let me Google it. Sorry, I’m smashed.
B) The great thing about cricket is you don’t have to bother about the rules because the umpire does all that. Round of shorts?
Is there a finer way for an Englishman to spend a sunny day than watching a game of cricket?
A) Not now the Empire’s gone, no. Double gin please.
B) I’m sorry, I’m too drunk to understand the question. You see, the cricket’s on.
Mostly As: Congratulations, you labour under the wild delusion that cricket is somehow superior to all other sports. And are drunk.
Mostly Bs: Well done for recognising cricket as nothing more than an excuse to get wrecked all day. Oblivion is your reward.