What the British ambassador should have said, by Nigel Farage

THE British ambassador to the US has been caught disgracefully serving his own country’s interests by providing accurate information about President Trump. 

Here’s what I, the natural choice to replace him because of my famous impartiality, would have said in his place:

On Trump’s administration:

From the moment Trump arises and begins watching Fox News the golden glow of his benevolent presence radiates throughout the nation, bringing happiness, joy, and economic prosperity wherever it is felt. What need is there for healthcare when his very touch heals the sick?

On Trump’s visit to the UK:

It is a profound discourtesy to this great man to invite him to inspect our country without giving him the option to buy. I am certain that, as a self-made multi-trillionaire, he would make a generous cash offer which we would be fools not to accept. After all, we already speak America’s native tongue.

On visiting a Trump rally:

All the magical togetherness of a classic Brexit rally, but with a substantial number of attendees younger than 75. They chanted my name when Trump told them to and afterwards we all lynched a journalist. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.

On guns:

I feel so safe, knowing everyone carries a gun at all times. It’s a warm lovely blanket of protection to know that at any moment I could whip out my Glock and lay any and all busters down. Why would anyone in Britain not want this, unless traitors?

On Ivanka:

The moment she gazed past me as if I was not there, I knew we were destined to be together. I accept my responsibility to take her hand in marriage to seal the union between our two nations. Don’t worry about my current wife, she’s German or something so doesn’t count.

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Rough family appear to have moved sofa onto street permanently

A FAMILY who moved their sofa outside their house during last weekend’s hot weather appear to be leaving it there indefinitely. 

The green sofa, on which the family and their various associates spent last weekend seated and drinking heavily, now appears to be a permanent summer fixture to the discomfort of all their neighbours.

Tom Booker, who lives in a flat two doors down, said: “Yeah. So apparently they’re just out there all the time now. Until… September, I guess?

“From about noon until way after nightfall they’re sat there, boozing and laughing and shouting and being extremely intimidating on their sofa.

“Our street has become their lounge, and my walking through wheeling my bike is like I’m walking through a stranger’s lounge which it’s rude to walk through wheeling a bike and I know it and so do they.

“Perhaps they’ll go indoors when it rains. I hope it rains. I really, really hope it rains.”

Sofa drinker Steve Malley said: “What? It’s the f*cking summer, isn’t it? They’re welcome to join us if they bring their own cans.”