IAIN Duncan Smith is today trying desperately to drown out the voices in his head and avoid seeing himself in a mirror.
Following his dramatic resignation, Duncan Smith has noticed that during quiet moments on the toilet or cleaning his fingernails with a dagger there appears to be somebody screaming inside his skull.
He said: “I may take up drumming or riding a motorbike with a knackered exhaust – basically anything loud enough to replace this howling vortex I’d never noticed before.
“Whenever I hear the voices I start shouting ‘but I’m so compassionate!’. It doesn’t seem to work.”
As well as pursuing noisy hobbies, Duncan Smith’s home and office have been fitted with surround sound speakers that will blast out 180bpm Belgian happy hardcore when needed.
He added: “Some disability claimants have suggested I drive a red hot knitting needle into my ear canal, which was very considerate.”