Duncan Smith in desperate bid to avoid his own reflection

IAIN Duncan Smith is today trying desperately to drown out the voices in his head and avoid seeing himself in a mirror.

Following his dramatic resignation, Duncan Smith has noticed that during quiet moments on the toilet or cleaning his fingernails with a dagger there appears to be somebody screaming inside his skull.

He said: “I may take up drumming or riding a motorbike with a knackered exhaust – basically anything loud enough to replace this howling vortex I’d never noticed before.

“Whenever I hear the voices I start shouting ‘but I’m so compassionate!’. It doesn’t seem to work.”

As well as pursuing noisy hobbies, Duncan Smith’s home and office have been fitted with surround sound speakers that will blast out 180bpm Belgian happy hardcore when needed.

He added: “Some disability claimants have suggested I drive a red hot knitting needle into my ear canal, which was very considerate.”

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I forgot to resign over benefit cuts last year, confirms Duncan Smith

IAIN Duncan Smith would have resigned over benefit cuts last year, but got distracted by ‘stuff’.

The former Work and Pensions Secretary said he had ‘pencilled in’ a resignation for last April but then ‘got involved in a whole big thing with the guy who was redoing our driveway’.

He told the BBC’s Andrew Marr: “He quoted nine grand, but then there was the usual bullshit and the price goes up by 20 per cent.

“So I’m dealing with this driveway shenanigans and trying to remember to write a resignation later, because the previous benefit cuts had been really upsetting, you know, for me personally.

“Anyway, this year I remembered to resign so that’s that taken care of. Finally.”

Mr Duncan Smith said he ‘hadn’t heard anything’ about the upcoming EU referendum but said it sounded ‘interesting’ and now that the driveway was done he would ‘probably get involved’.

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