DUP vows to end May's wild party lifestyle

THE Democratic Unionists plan to end Theresa May’s hedonistic party lifestyle and turn her into a decent God-fearing Christian, they have announced.

Visiting DUP politicians were shocked by May’s depraved activities, including keeping alcohol in the house, dressing immodestly and watching pornographic TV programmes like Poldark.

MP Arlene Foster said: “May has been seduced by the fleshly temptations of the big city, so we’ve decided to stay until we get her back on the straight and narrow.

“This morning we woke her up at 6am for a good long prayer session. Not your namby-pamby liberal prayers, the proper Christian ones where you ask God to murder your enemies.

“Then it was Bible study. May said she was needed in a meeting but I said not until we’d finished my favourite Old Testament story where Shem’s wife gets turned into wood for picking figs while menstruating.

“While she was busy we burned all her tart’s shoes. She was furious but if she wants our votes she’ll have to wear a pair of plain black Clarks Commandos.

“Tonight we’re going to show her how much fun you can have with a glass of squash and a good Ian Paisley speech about papists.”

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Weasel really relates to Michael Gove

A WEASEL feels he can really identify with Michael Gove.

Weasel Tom Booker claims there is something about the newly appointed environment secretary that makes him feel they would get along.

Booker said: “Gove’s my kind of guy. I can just imagine him sneaking into a chicken shed through a tiny gap under the door, stealing all the eggs and then killing the hens even though he isn’t going to eat them.

“There’s no other human that I feel that sort of weasel kinship with.

“Gove even looks like he might be part ferret. Apparently when threatened he releases a pungent chemical from his anal glands as a kind of defence mechanism.

“And he sleeps in a small box lined with straw.”