Inflation rises because Tories have f**ked up everything all at once

INFLATION is at almost three per cent because the Conservative government has fucked up the economy, public services and Brexit simultaneously. 

Spiralling inflation and a possible recession would normally be considered a crisis needing immediate attention but the government has ordered it to the back of a long queue. 

Tory chairman Patrick McLoughlin said: “Sorry, not now, we’ve got to negotiate with maniacs. 

“And after that we’ve got another negotiation where we’re the maniacs, so you can see we’re a bit busy. 

“Also we’ve got a housing crisis that we haven’t even begun to handle, the NHS is busted, we’re not remotely coping with terrorism and don’t mention education. That’s such a mess we’ll have to give the kids a year off and start again. 

“It is remarkable how there is not one area of policy where we have not fucked up, and how they’re all reaching crisis point at once. I’d like to see another party manage that.”

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Guardiola to guest-edit FourFourTwo and rename it OneTen

PEP Guardiola is to guest-edit football magazine FourFourTwo and change its name to OneTen, it has emerged.

Guardiola, whose managerial style is likened to tossing a swarm of midfielders onto the pitch and hoping, will take over the magazine next week once he’s completed the £30 million signing of a Brazilian central midfielder you’ve never heard of. 

Guardiola said: “I was very successful in my time in Spain with QuatroQuatroSgorio so I’m hoping to bring some of that to Britain.”

After Guardiola, the magazine will feature other guest editors including David Moyes who will rename it JustGettheFuckingBalltoDefoe.

Current FourFourTwo editor Tom Logan said: “We were also hoping to bring in Sam Allardyce to edit an issue. Then we realised no one likes Sam Allardyce so decided against it.”