Single mum excited that austerity over and good times now rolling

A SINGLE mother is celebrating the end of austerity and is excited for the affluent times ahead.

Following Theresa May’s announcement that austerity is now over, 28-year-old Nikki Hollis decided to give the food bank a miss this week.

Hollis said: “I was think of going down to ask for some canned vegetables to keep my kids alive, but now that everything’s fine again I thought I would go to Waitrose instead.

“I’ve just booked a holiday in Monaco.”

Minimum wage worker Wayne Hayes said: “’Austerity’ has been a good description of my living situation for over a decade so I’m glad it not longer even exists as a concept.

“I’m looked forward to getting home tonight and finding all my shit knackered stuff has been magically replaced with fancy things.”

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Milk in shops comes from cows' tits

THE milk we buy in supermarkets is straight from the tits of a cow, it has been claimed.

Following rumours about milk’s origins, food industry investigators visited a dairy in Gloucestershire, only to find it was full of cows.

Public health advisor Roy Hobbs said: “The cows had things attached to their tits that were sucking the milk out.

“It was the most mental thing I have ever seen.”

Grocery buyer Eleanor Shaw said: “I’ve heard the claims, and I don’t believe them. If milk was from a cow’s tits it would taste of beef.

“I’m very picky about what I feed my kids, and I refuse to believe that what they’ve been having with their porridge has been inside a cow. How would you even get it out?”

Sales of milk have fallen significantly since the release of the report, which also claims that rump steak comes from a cow’s arse.