Fairly bright 11-year-old tipped as next chancellor

AN 11-year-old boy who is pretty good at maths and careful with money has been tipped as George Osborne’s replacement.

Government insiders say the job will go to year seven pupil Tom Booker, who recently demonstrated his financial acumen by saving up his pocket money to get a Playstation game he really wanted instead of spending it on sweets.

A Westminster source said: “David Cameron has come to accept that Britain needs someone better qualified than Osborne, and Tom knows what the square root of 64 is.

“Tom also has much more experience of the real world than George, because he used to have a paper round.

“Osborne had his last chance at last week’s crisis meeting, but when David Cameron glanced at his notes he’d just drawn a horse.

“As well as showing an inability to engage with complex economic issues, the legs were back-to-front.”

Even at the age of 11, quite intelligent Booker’s mathematical aptitude is believed to vastly exceed that of the soon-to-be-former Chancellor, who can only do calculations by using piles of folded towels.

Booker said: “If no-one’s got a job then no-one will have any money to buy stuff and no-one will be able to sell anything. You’d have to be gay not to know that.

“If we don’t improve the economy we’ll all be like Liam Davis who comes to school in Asda trainers because his dad is unemployed, so everyone calls him ‘pov’ and wees in his sports bag.

“Is this the kind of Britain we want to live in? Probably not, even if that is funny.”

Booker has already devised a radical neo-Keynesian strategy to stimulate growth and increase fluidity of money supply by getting everyone to tidy their bedroom for a thousand pounds a week.



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Neil Armstrong's death 'faked'

CONSPIRACY theorists have poured scorn on the announcement of Neil Armstrong’s death, citing a lack of hard evidence.

Internet conspiracists are suspicious that no photographs of Armstrong’s body have been published, and believe the death is a publicity stunt to revive interest in the ‘so-called moon landings’.

Nathan Muir, of the moon landing denial group Apollo Zero, said: “Tom Hanks hasn’t made a movie in a while, interest in the whole astronaut fantasy is sagging – so all of a sudden, Neil Armstrong ‘dies’. How very convenient.

“I’ve sent an email to NASA asking for a peek in the coffin and they haven’t even replied. It’s Area 51 all over again.”

Conspiracy enthusiast Tom Booker said: “So now it’s boo hoo, what a shame it is we don’t go to the moon any more.

“And before you know it they’ll have built another papier mache rocket in Houston and hired a couple of thousand extras successfully sworn to secrecy to pose as scientists, mechanics, crew, spectators and astronauts.”

“They already did it once, and then five more times.

“Furthermore, there have been a spate of sightings of the ex-astronaut since the weekend, with dozens of reports from the Florida area of a man in his 80s matching Armstrong’s ‘bald, old-looking’ appearance, wandering around in perfect health.

“It’s so obvious why they’re doing it, too – to distract us from the fact that Cheerios breakfast cereal is actually tiny homing devices that sit in your stomach sending messages to the government.

“I bet Armstrong’s sitting in some East Coast golfing resort with John F Kennedy right now, laughing it up. What, the assassination?

“Come on, that was Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe in a black wig in the back of that car, Jack Lemmon as Oswald, with Billy Wilder directing from the grassy knoll.”